What God has joined together...

Anniversaries

2010-09-19T20:17:00.000-07:00

So, I know it has been a long time. This summer was hard for me off and on. It was hard, to be honest, for both of us. Me-dealing with hurt and fear. Him-dealing with guilt and shame.

June 5th, 2009 was the day that I found out about his affair in the first place. That's the beginning of this blog. I was a little nervous about it as I felt June approach this year. But we were doing well so I tried to be positive. And I was. Until a few days later when I realized I went to the same places I went a year ago on that Friday. (Of course, since this is a year later, the day that was a Friday last year is a Saturday this year, you know what I mean...) I hadn't even meant to do it. You see, when Beloved told me about it that awful night we had gone to dinner (I had arranged for a sitter so we could go out and--I thought--reconnect, and maybe he'd tell me what had been bothering him. I had no idea that it was what it was) outside the mall and then, in the car, after dinner, he told me everything. And I said (very calmly, since I didn't cry at that time) I needed to use the bathroom, so we drove to Target, across the way, so I could use the bathroom. I remember walking into that bathroom as quickly as I could, but still retain some sense of calm. Once inside I couldn't hold it in anymore and started to cry. I called my bff 'Gretchen' and then my big sis Sam. I cried and cried. And it was close to closing time, so when some worker came in to check the bathroom she hugged me and held me for just a little while. I don't even remember what she looked like, but I am so thankful for a kind stranger that day.
Anyway, about this year (HELLO! Sorry about the sidetrack, there!). My daughters S and E wanted to have a girl's night out. I thought that was a great idea and so we went out. Guess where they wanted to go? To eat at the mall and then to Target. Weird, huh? And we were there almost to closing that night, too.
I thought about it later, once I realized it, and I thought it might have been a good thing. Maybe I needed to go see if there are any ghosts of the past there, you know? And I felt o.k.

But the next day I did not. That is to say, on Saturday morning I woke up and I felt sick. And my head hurt. And I felt weird because I felt discontented but didn't know why, because Beloved and I had been so very connected of late. All morning it bothered me. I kept wondering why I felt like this. And then I remembered something I had read a few months back. Something about our body's cellular memory. That sometimes we wake up feeling a certain way that doesn't make sense, but that it is because on the same day in our past we felt that way and our cells remember it and react to it. Weird, huh?

Then July came. And I went away for work (I started with a direct-selling business--NEVER thought I'd do that, but I fell in love with the product and couldn't resist) and I was a mess for the week leading up to it. Why? Because I was going to the exact same place he had gone to be with her on the 25th of July. The story is here, if you remember. See, in that post I say "L.A.", but in reality it was Newport Beach. And where did I find myself headed on the 15th of July? Newport Beach. Now, I realize that the 15th is 10 days away from the 25th. But for me it was terribly difficult and emotional. I was so filled with anger and hurt and, just, so many emotions, that I couldn't prepare for the trip. Beloved had to help me pack, had to talk me into going, remind me of why I was going in the first place, and that I would have my wonderful BFF and her family and my sis along with me, that it would be fun.

So I went. And it was fun. And it was good. And, though there were times when I felt like crying, it was great to have a reason to go out there and face those feelings, but have another purpose into which I could focus my energy.

And when I returned home he was a mess.

He couldn't sleep. He kept thinking about how I had felt in leaving and telling himself I would return to tell him I was sick of feeling like this, that I'd tell him he had to go.

He does this to himself a lot. And to be honest, there was one time, around Thanksgiving that I truly felt like God had better give me a reason to stay because I felt like I was finished with it all. But after that, when things are hard--and they do get hard. SO so hard. When things are hard I think about what a dear friend said to me: She said, "Gigi. What do you know for sure?" And I 'hem'ed and I 'haw'ed (I know that isn't spelled right, sorry!) and she reminded me of what I said when Beloved was gone. And that Heavenly Father told me to wait. And that Heavenly Father brought Beloved home. And that Heavenly Father knows waayy more than I do. And that I trust Him. So when things get hard, I remember that. And it helps me to keep things in perspective.

And my birthday came. And that day last year was miserable. Miserable: (adj) wretchedly unhappy. Don't get me wrong, I was with BFF in Utah and loved being near my neices and nephews whom I adore. But I had a foolish, ridiculously romantic notion that he would wake up and come back to me, call me or show up at BFF's home. I blush to write that. No, more than blush. Though I feel my cheeks heating up as I type. I am embarrassed and humiliated that I hoped for that. But it's the truth. I did. And I was miserable all day because I knew it wasn't going to happen, and couldn't keep myself from hoping that it would. I know. It's so stupid.

So this year I felt so sad all day. Like I was mourning--something. My romantic notion? My foolishness? I don't know. I tried not to let it show. I did things--don't ask me what, I can't remember now--to keep us all busy. Us all, being the kids and myself, since Beloved had to work that day, but had a 3 day weekend after it, so I didn't mind. And it allowed me the privacy that I wanted. Perhaps I was a little indulgent.

Then August came. And it was our anniversary. You remember, the infamous anniversary post and comments, don't you? Poor Red. Love ya, Red! No hard feelings, right?! Huh? And this day was hard for me. Because I remembered where things were then last year. And then the two trips he made out to be with Shannon right after that. And how he came to me a few days after our anniversary last year and said that he had thought about me all day on our anniversary but didn't call, because, 'what was there to say?'

And now here we are to September. And the 25th will be the Anniversary of Beloved's return. We have come a long way.

Beloved is struggling with his feelings of worthlessness. To go against all that he once stood for, and to do it so fully, well, it just doesn't leave him feeling great about himself. I mean, I think anyone can understand that.

And I have my ups and downs.

I have written a few posts but not actually published them. I think I'll get to that.

Anniversaries have just been on my mind for the past few months, and I am taking advantage of a quiet evening to write these things down.

Gigi.

So, enough already....and then maybe not.

2010-04-25T20:18:00.000-07:00

So, I have a confession to make.
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I'm fat.

Sooo
so fat. **This is not to say that people who may be bigger than me should feel worse or any of that stuff. Cuz I've been bigger than I am now. This isn't about you. This is about me. And how I feel about my body right now. I'm just sayin'...**

I have gained 30 pounds in the last 4 months.

That's a lot. I know.

At first when I started to gain I told myself that it was because Beloved and I were celebrating. We ate sweets while snuggling on the couch after the kids went to bed, and ate out often after he came home. But, see, I didn't gain more than 5 lbs from September to December.

I gained it all after that. So technically it is 35 lbs. Yikes.

I gained it quickly. So quickly. Mainly because, though I say it has been four months, I have maintained at this weight for a month. So, really it is 30 lbs in 3 months.

OK. So why am I talking about weight on a blog about infidelity? For a couple of reasons. But the main one is the only one I'll address right now:

I've been swallowing my emotions.

I found they go down easier with a bite of anything I can find in the kitchen and a swig of Dr. Pepper. Or water. I'm not picky. Although the Dr. Pepper sure does taste good...Mmmm....Dr. Pepper. (that was my little homage to Homer Simpson and doughnuts--which are about the only things I haven't eaten in the last few months.)

I thought I was ready to come back to blogging. But it has been a struggle. How much do I tell about my 'getting over it' process? Where is the fine line between too much said and just enough to get my head on straight again? And then there has been the whole 'time' issue. It seems like my days are going faster right now. And depression. There has been some of that, too. Though, to be honest with you, I just call it 'not feeling well'. And it doesn't last long.

Usually once we go and talk things out with Dr. F I feel better. But I have a hard time talking about things with Beloved at home. I feel like with Dr. F it is safer, somehow. I mean that if he becomes distraught over something that hurt me, she can talk him through it. If I start to feel like a pathetic little porcupine--all prickly and hard on the outside but just lonely and sad on the inside she talks me out of it, or helps him to get me out of it.

I feel like we are learning the skills we need, but it is remembering them when the time comes that we struggle with. And, let's face it, how many of us in our everyday conversations with our spouses say, "I need to talk to you about something. Is now a good time? Can you mirror me?" Which, by the way, really does help a lot. But I seem to miss my own warning signs that tell me I am starting to struggle with some memory or emotion. I tend not to catch it until I am close to boiling over. I need to pay better attention.

This week I started watching what I eat. Again. And I decided I wouldn't eat when I was upset. Or lonely. Or bored. Or sad. Or angry. Or any of that other shtuff. But here is the problem:
I was a witch. And moody. Becuase I took away the thing that I was self-medicating with, and I didn't have any other option. I was working out, but that didn't seem to help. I hoped it would. I thought, "I'm trading emotionally eating for working out." It seemed like an even trade in my mind. Not so much.

And Beloved and I had a rough week. All of those emotions stated above and all the others I wrestle with just rose to the surface this week. Added to this was the concern I felt over Beloved starting a new job on Monday. I had to act like I was fine because if he knows I am upset it just messes with his self-esteem and he didn't need that his first week on a job.

But finally it had to be addressed and Beloved and I talked. And he made me realize something I hadn't before:
He said that when he was gone I was so strong. That I had faith in the end that Heavenly Father showed me, and I had the perspective to see his hurtful words for what they were: lies to justify his actions, or lies he told himself. (And that is something that bothers me: I liked who I was and felt good about myself and felt so strong when he was gone. I felt like when he came back home all that went away, you know?) I have always said that it wasn't me holding myself together. Because it wasn't. But what Beloved said next really struck me. He said maybe I was being held together because I was letting Heavenly Father into my life, letting him hold me together. But when Beloved came home, I just stopped.
I thought about it after he said that because it felt right when he said it. And I realize that I did just that. I kept asking Heavenly Father to just carry my burden just a little longer, that I'd pick it up when I could. And somehow, I just thought (foolishly, I know) that when he came home the hard part was over. And I just stopped depending on Heavenly Father for that. I remember thinking that He had handed it back to me because I could feel it's weight now on my heart. But I don't think He did hand it back. I think I took it back. I felt like His turn was over and now it was my turn. But I'm not that strong. I can't shoulder that weight alone. Who can? Isn't that why our Savior died for us? To take our pain upon himself? Our sins, but also the pain that we feel? Because of our own sins? Because of the sins of others? So that we can forgive? Truly forgive?

It sounds so silly of me to have forgotten that. To have stolen back my load when He would have gladly carried it further.

So that is where I am right now. Asking Him for His help again. And really, that's where I should be.

No Hyperlinks. I'm feeling lazy.

2010-01-31T21:05:00.000-08:00

Apparently no title, either!

Proving herself to be the Smartest Woman in the World, Housewife Savant has done it again.

She predicted to me that now that Beloved is back my life may become too busy for a time--too busy to blog. I hate to admit it, but that woman was right. And has great hair. ; )

So, I'll just tell you what happened with Shannon after Beloved broke it off.

The day after Beloved came home I got on facebook to post something prodigal son-y, figuring that those who knew what was going on would understand and those who didn't would go, 'Huh?' and not give it another thought.

While I was on I noticed that I had a message. Now, I knew it was from her before I clicked on that little Messages tab/doohickey (sp?). But I opened it and sure enough she had written me a message. Now, for those who are on facebook, you know that you only see a line or so from that message and then you have to click on the message to open it and read the whole text.

Well, it said (all that I could see): "Well, I guess you won. Have a great life. Oh and let me just say 3"--but that is where it cut off. And I knew I wasn't ready to open it up and read what she had to say. I figured it wasn't "3 super-sweet things Beloved said about you" or "3 of my favorite kinds of ice-cream, just FYI!" So I let it sit.

I will say that I knew it was not pleasant. I knew she sent it just to mess with me, so I ignored it. For a while. Ok, a week or two. Yeah. I'm not so smart, sometimes.

I won't go into what it said, but it messed me up for a few days.

Added to that Beloved opened his email and had an email from her. He told me and said I could just delete it. I read it. Of course. Then we blocked all of her email addresses.

It had to do with cancelling flights and sending stuff that he had left behind back to him and him mailing back the autographed Steve Young jersey she had bought for him. She had told him to just burn it, but he felt like it was expensive and he didn't want to keep it and didn't want to just give it away so I mailed it to her. I gotta tell you, I felt bad sending that jersey away. He has always wanted one, and we could never afford one. Anyway....

She told him that she had gone back to her husband and they are 'putting God first in [their] lives' with the addendum, "so long as he doesn't drink anymore", which I felt was her little way of reminding him of how her husband 'was so bad to her' (which may not in fact be true). Just a feeling I had. And then she asked how things are going with me and him and that she'd really love to hear from him. That she was sorry for being angry and that she was just hurt, and what is going on with him? How is he doing? Blah blah blah. I felt like she was trying to reopen a conversation between them.

Then we got a box from her. Beloved didn't want to deal with it, so I went out to the garage and handled it all. I won't go into everything that was in there. (All of it went to Goodwill or the trash, by the way, except his yearbook and some football cards.) There was a long letter in there saying that she will always love him and that they are soul mates and that she wants him to call her in a year or two to tell her how things are going (Yeah, right.) and that she was really angry at first, but then she called her husband right after hanging up with Beloved because God told her to and they went on their first date and she's so happy with him and then she reminds Beloved that he always knows how to reach her if he wants to, blah blah blah. I felt like it was fake for some reason.

It was. Because a few weeks ago someone I know who also knows Shannon said that she had just recently gone back to her husband. Which supports my hunch that she was writing those things hoping Beloved would say, "Wait...I don't like the idea of you with him..." and come right back.

So there is a little bit of catch-up. I thought it'd be fun to think of some endings for that sentence: "Oh and let me just say 3..."

Got an idea? Post it in the comments.

___________________________

And, my I'mNotGivingUpOnYou yahoo friend: I am so sorry I haven't ever gotten back to you. I think about you all the time. Pretty much every day. I think, "R did this. It may not be the same situation, but R did this. I can do it, too." So, thank you, my friend. I don't know you, but I really am thankful you wrote me. I'd like to say I'll email you back soon, but I don't know when that will be. But I'll post here to let you know...um. Ok. That was a long side message.

A New Perspective, or, A Visit With The Emissions-Tester-Guy

2010-01-02T20:21:00.001-08:00

Is it just me, or does that second title have a certain ring to it? ; )

So, it was the last day of the year in 2009.

And I had to get my emissions test done for my van so I could get my registration renewed. Oh, and it was the last day of the grace-period month as well. (I probably didn't have to mention that, but I guess that just helps you to get to know me better...)

I got to the Emissions Testing Center just a few minutes after they opened so I didn't have much of a wait. I made a dork of myself while trying to prepare my car for the test (read: cleaning up tissues, putting away my ipod, etc.) but we won't go into further explanation of that. I went into the waiting room and...waited. It didn't take long and in about 10 minutes I was outside giving my check to the Emissions-Tester-Guy.

Don't you love it when people are cheery and friendly? I do. This guy greeted me with this wide grin and asked me how I was doing, and when I inquired into his day he smiled and said, "I'm living the dream, ma'am, I'm living the dream!" in the most good-natured way. Now, it was f-r-e-e-z-i-n-g outside, and if it were me I would have been ~~griping about~~ commenting on the cold. We chatted for a bit as he finished printing up my paperwork.

And he said, "Aren't you glad to see 2009 end?" And then he said something about starting a new year. OK. I know what you are thinking: Duh, Gigi. It was New Year's Eve, of course the conversation would go something like that. And you are right. But for some reason when Emissions-Tester-Guy said that it went straight to my heart and I thought, "Yeah. OK. I can say this year is over and behind me. I can choose to start anew and maybe even think anew."

I think this is a perspective I wouldn't have found on my own. Is that ridiculous? Probably. Perhaps anyone else would have already thought of it.

But I didn't, and so I am grateful for some friendly banter with a perfect stranger on December 31st.

Here is to a New Year.

And here is wishing Joy and Blessings for you and your families in 2010.

(hee hee. I was typing fast and I typed 2019. That would have been funny: "Hey, hope you have joy and blessings in 2019. and for 2010 i'm sending you patience. you know, 'cause you'll need it if you have to wait until 2019 for joy and blessings!")

So, do I owe you $100 now?

2009-12-23T23:24:00.000-08:00

Oh, I have missed you.

This distance between me and this blog/you all has been crushing.

Truly.

Because it seems that if I don't allow my thoughts and feelings to vent, well, they just end up crushing me on the inside. There is nowhere for them to go.

So.

Where have I been these many weeks?

Losing my mind.

Now, don't get me wrong: I have days when I feel okay. It isn't that I don't think too much or hurt too much on those days, it is just that I am better able to keep out the crazy or keep myself calm...er.

But there are many days wherein I don't think I can go on a moment longer. Where I can't STOP thinking and hurting. Those days are bad. So bad.

It is frustrating, too. Because I know how calm and even and peaceful I was able to feel when he was gone. Why is it so hard to be that way now? I do know that part of it is I have not been clinging to Father in Heaven as closely as I had when Beloved was away. When he was being unfaithful. When he was cheating. Gosh. I realize that I talk about it often as 'when he was gone'. Is it because I don't want to call it what it was? Or another reason? I am not sure. But I am realizing that I cannot be peaceful and calm if I'm not keeping myself spiritually centered. So I need to fix that.

We are in counseling. Marriage counseling. And I really like our thereapist. So does he. This week we talked about the fact that I hurt. Gosh that sounds like such a simple thing to say: "I hurt." But I don't know how else to say what it is that I feel.

This hurt is so...pervasive. Is that the word I want? I think I understand how people get hooked on drugs (prescription or otherwise) just to dull all the noise in their heads and emotion they cannot deal with. I think sometimes it would be nice just to go to sleep and not...feel.

I told Beloved: Forgiving is easy. I've done that. I have no need to make him hurt or 'pay' for what he has done. That is between him and God.

Forgiving is easy. It's the not hurting part that I am having trouble with.

And I wonder if it will ever go away? Do you think it does? Fully?

Beloved's grandfather is very ill. And grandma isn't doing so well, either. And one of Beloved's aunts sent out an email with a dialogue between Grandma and Grandpa that was so...tender...and I thought (after crying and crying at the sweet and loving emotions expressed by word or carried along in the words) "Will we get there? Will there be a day in the future where I won't hurt about this and think about it? When I don't ache?"

I think there will. I think it will come. But I really hope it comes soon. Because I feel like I am not the best Gigi I could be while I feel all of these...icky emotions, for lack of better words. (Hey, it's almost midnight and I am out of the habit of writing. Cut me some slack.)

I have learned (after my last REALLY BAD episode of 'crazy') that I need you. This is where I think through my emotions and I find in writing them, I have to form them in a coherent manner. And so they stop bumping around in my head like balloons. So now you know.

And thanks for the therapy.

Remember me?

2009-11-13T17:33:00.001-08:00

Hi, all.
I have been out of the blogosphere for a while. We went on vacation as a family. Our computer crashed. Things like that.
I'm back now. I think the computer problem is fixed. (Though I am using my Mom's computer to type this up right now.)

I have several posts I have been working on in my head. You know, because I hate actually writing up drafts and stuff. Too lazy.

Beloved's post will be coming on his own time. Right now we are still trying to get 'us' in shape. If 'in shape' is the right word...which, it's not. Oh well.

I have to go. The pizza's in the oven and I need to hurry. We're going out and leaving the kids with my Mom and Dad for the weekend. Yippee!

Gigi.

The Friday He Came Home

2009-10-19T20:28:00.000-07:00

It has taken me a long time to sit down to type this out. I am not sure all that I will share. It is all kind of mixed up in my mind. I think emotion overload and my head spinning has something to do with it. But in any case, here we go:

Friday (09-25-09) started out with me thinking about what he had said the night before. I awoke and thought about it and decided that I was going to be thankful for what had transpired, but not read too much into it. I thought to myself, "Ok. He needs time. I can do that. If he needs a month, I'll give him a month. If he needs three, I'll give him three..."

On Thursday night he and I talked about Kirby Heyborne and some of his youtube stuff that I saw. I told Beloved he had to see the Kirby Heyborne/Mr. T commercial for Snickers. So I emailed it to him when he went home. Then I wrote in my journal and sent him a few emails of things I found (news stories and a cakewreck that I knew he would hate--er, love). We emailed back and forth that day about them.

When he got home from work on Friday we gravitated to each other. He kept finding me to hug or kiss or just talk. I was doing the same.

After the kids went to bed he and I sat and watched t.v. (I don't remember what) and he took my hand and was stroking it and looking at it with a queer expression. Queer, because I didn't know what it meant. So I asked him, "What? Is it dry?"--because I'm super-classy that way.

He answered with, "No. I just...missed holding your hand."

I didn't know how to take that. So I asked him, "Are you for real? Is this for real?"

And he asked, "What? This?"(indicating his hand holding mine)

And I said, "Yes. Are you serious?"

And we began talking. I wish I could remember how it all began. But we talked. I remember him saying something about coming over and every day I was just so loving and he didn't expect me to cook dinner for him or to be kind or happy to see him, but I did all those things and I laughed at his jokes (a sense of humor is terribly important to him--and me), and I was keeping the house organized and, "and you looked so beautiful. Every day. Why did you do those things?!"

And so I told him, "Well, the looking nice was for me. I like the way I look. I think it's funny that it took this for me to find that I like me. And the house, and treating you that way, well, I wanted you to feel comfortable and welcome here."

And we talked more. He told me everything. He told me how sorry he was, and how he was a fool. And I asked him when he wanted to come home. And he looked like I had just handed him the moon. And he started crying again and said, "I want to come home right now." And I said that he needed to do something first (which was that he needed to tell her it was over).

He had already told her that he would not ever be moving out to be with her. She was pretty upset about that. She had already rented and furnished an apartment in June with the understanding that he would be moving out there.

I was a mess. I wasn't sure what to think. He seemed in earnest, but it felt too easy. I thought, "Have I been through enough? Shouldn't this struggle be longer?" I know, I know, 'don't look a gift-horse in the mouth' and all that. But I couldn't help it.

So I was honest and told him that I was afraid that I'd wake up in the morning and when he came over he'd tell me it was all a joke and wasn't I stupid for falling for it. Or I picured (but didn't tell him this) that he'd be here in the morning with divorce papers, laughing at me, at my gullibility.

He asked me what I wanted him to do and I said that I wanted him to go to his place and call her. Break it off, and come back home. I didn't care how long it took. I wanted to wake up beside him. If this was for real I didn't want to spend another night away from him. He agreed. We kept talking (and crying, and hugging, etc.).

This exchange lasted hours. Neither of us wanted him to leave, but at the same time, we wanted it to be over so he could be home again. At least, that's what I think we both felt.

He left and called her from his cell phone in the car. He told her that he was calling so late because we had been talking and that he had told me everything and that I was willing to take him back. She hung up on him.

He called her back and he explained that it was over and he was coming back home. She called him names and told him he was a rotten person, emotionally abusive and manipulative, etc. She told him not to ever contact her again, which he agreed to. She told him not to call her family or her friends or anything else. He agreed to that, too, and no emails or texts. (Incidentally, BFF and I had a good laugh over this. She said, 'wow she was really covering her bases, there, wasn't she' and we laughed and added, 'and don't send me a telegraph!' and 'no letters!' and 'not even by pony express!' and 'no telegrams, singing or otherwise!' See, it's fun to laugh at inappropriate things...)

I don't remember what else. But he called me on my cell phone and said that he was finished and he was on his way 'home'. That was something that was sweet. While he and I were talking he said a couple of times that he had to go back to his place to get clothes and to break it off with her and come back 'home'--and he would say the word with such relief and delight.

While he was gone I got online and was too confused to write a post about what had just happened. So I finished a post I had been working on earlier and posted it.

I went to my room to read my scriptures and wait. I changed the sheets on the bed (because Big Boy had slept in the bed 2 nights in a row since Baby Boy was having a hard time sleeping and Big Boy drools...a lot. And it was all on Beloved's side of the bed. I figured he probably didn't want to sleep on that.)

I heard his car. I was listening for it. I met him at the door. I opened the door for him and he looked at me and he said, 'I'm home.' and I hugged him and said, "Welcome home." And we cried.

We got into bed and talked for several more hours. I kept waking up because I was being squeezed from behind and because he kept saying over and over " I love you. I love you, honey. "

That's about all I remember.

And so here it is...I asked Beloved if he'd be willing to tell you why he came home. In his own words. He said he would. And he said he'd be willing to answer questions, too. As am I.

HC, I see you left a question and advice in your comment. I will address it in the next post. And, if this is the HC that I think it is, then you should know that I love you right back. And miss you. And wish I could see you and give you a big hug. And bake brownies and goodies on a Sunday afternoon like old times. ; )

OK. Sorry about that, folks. Back to business. So. IF you would like to hear from Beloved, let me know. Not that you have much choice in the matter, since I am going to have him do it anyway. But, if you have a particular question you would like answered, post it or email me with it. I am not saying it will be answered (I reserve the right to tell him not to answer a question if I think it is inappropriate), but feel free to ask it.

Also. If I have left any holes, feel free to point them out to me, too. My email is right there on the right hand side of the page.

Gigi.

Since I haven't time to finish the post I had originally planned:

2009-10-18T11:40:00.001-07:00

I will say, quickly, that this started out as a comment post, but it got too long, so here it is. It starts out being addressed to the 'anonymous' who doubted my truthfulness/reality/etc., but continues into a regular post. So don't feel like you are eavesdropping. ; )

Anonymous- I am so sorry you were taken in by that 'april rose'. I had never heard of it until you commented about it here. I googled it (gotta love that google). Holy cow. I can see that you would feel embarrassed or upset for being taken in by that hoax and then determined never to repeat it. And so I can understand you feeling unsure about my blog.

I didn't even think of Beloved as being a romance-novel name. It is what his first name literally means. And what I've called him in our emails or notes to each other for many years. Well, that and "Q" for "querido".

And there may be missing pieces to what I have posted. I have tried to keep some of his doings (that may be embarrassing to him) to myself. And a lot of my own experiences as well, kind of because I can't write everything or my fingers would cramp up. I may need to reread and see if I can fill in the holes. The problem is, since I KNOW all that happened (um, cuz it happened to me) then I may not see the holes. You know?

And believe me, I realize it was a quick turnaround. It's why my head was spinning for days and days after. It still does some days.

But now there are other emotions to contend with other than just 'is this for real? is he here to stay? does he mean what he has said?' Now there are emotions of frustration (with myself and with him), and impatience (with myself for having a hard time saying 'i forgive you'--I say a lot of 'It's okay's and 'I know's and 'We'll get through this's ) though I know I need time to heal all that hurt and loss of trust. And yes, there is still a lot of hurt. A lot.

It seems that I hurt so much easier now. I mean. I kept telling myself (when he was gone) "You can't hurt over everything." And I guess it became my mantra.

I was so tough and in control. I kept it all together (definitely it wasn't me alone, I know it was Heavenly Father holding me together--I'm not that strong), and felt peaceful a lot of the time.

And then he came home. And it feels like I am bleeding most of the time, now.

I feel like all my defenses are gone. I have my moments where I just can't handle certain things. What's worse is that I can't seem to keep it to myself anymore. With him back and all that we've talked about, it is like I am stripped of my defenses. And I cry. And I hate to see his face when I do. He hurts. I don't want to add any more to that, you know? But at the same time he says it is part of the return process. That he needs to understand all the consequences and pain caused by his actions. I struggle with that. Isn't there a balance there that must be struck?

It isn't that I cry all the time now. It's more that my tears come more readily than before. Sometimes surprising even me.

And stupid things make me cry. Or good things. Like the first day that he was back at work (he took the Monday after he came home off to spend with me) and he called me just to hear my voice. I said, "what do you want?" and he said that he just missed me and wanted to hear my voice and I couldn't help it and just burst out crying. Yup. That's me. It's what I've been reduced to: A bawler. Not to be confused with a 'baller'. That's something totally different.

And Sunday. We had just got back home from church and the kids ran inside and he and I were standing out front just chatting and he ran his finger along the side of my face and said, "Mmm. I love this face." Yeah. I bawled again.

I've used this description a lot lately, but it's the best way I can think of to explain it. It's like I feel so raw and bruised on the inside that even a gentle touch causes me to bleed. Maybe it's the gentle touch that does it. Perhaps I could more easily withstand harshness. I don't know.

Maybe now with all of me laid so bare anything would make me bleed...now that he's here.

This will require another minute or two...

2009-10-14T11:37:00.001-07:00

OK. I'm back.

Something I forgot to mention the last post was that I began paying attention to the sports headlines and when I found a story that touched me (like this one) or made me smile I would pass it on to him in an email with a sentence or two about what I thought. He began responding to them. I cried one day at how thrilled I was to get a response with, "That was awesome! Thank you!" I thought, "how pathetic am I?!" and cried again for my patheticalness (yes, it's a real word).

Monday is the day after Sunday (just, you know, in case you forgot) so I'll start there.

Monday (09-21-09) I don't really remember much of this day. What I do remember is that there was more tentative snuggling on the couch. He and I watched the Leno show (or whatever it is called) and continued sitting as we had on Saturday. Then when he was leaving I walked him to the door. I stood in the doorway and Beloved stood on the step below me. We stood chitchatting for a moment or two and then I gave him a hug. And kissed him on the cheek. And then the neck. And I was surprised to find that I wanted more than kisses and kind of grabbed him to me. And then he wrapped his arms around me and I got freaked out and pushed him away with an "I'm sorry." And his eyes were round and...hopeful. ( I wonder if that is the right word. It seems like that now, though at the time I wasn't sure what was there...Hmm...maybe I should ask him) And he said, 'why are you sorry?!' And I just didn't know how to say all that I was feeling--which is confused and scared and hopeful and more scared (because of the hopefulness)--and just repeated 'I'm sorry' and closed the door.

Tuesday (09-22-09) was just the same as Monday. Except for I think we were both a little more wary of each other. But, again, there was kissing at the door as he was getting ready to leave.

Wednesday (09-23-09) I had a primary (church group for kids ages 18 mos-11 years)presidency meeting and was gone for most of the evening. When I returned I ~~complained~~ talked about how cold I was during my meeting. I sat on their fireplace and had a blanket wrapped around me to keep warm. (Hello! Noone in the room was cold but me. What a wimp.) We talked a bit.
His hands were cold. His hands are NEVER cold. He was standing to leave and I stood with him near the door. I said, "let me see them" and took his left hand to see if it was really cold. It was. So I stood and talked with him and rubbed his hand between my own, and breathed on it to warm it up. He said it felt nice and we continued talking (About my fave Craig Ferguson and other stuff). And he said, "I love you" for the first time since June 5th. For the first time he said it on his own. NOT becuase I said it and he felt like he needed to say it back. NOT with a qualifier like "I love you, just not...(blah blah blah)" Just. I love you.

This is what I wrote in my journal the next day:
joy?
I want to cry.

Last night...Beloved said "i love you" for the first time (WITHOUT me saying it first) since June 5th.

Today I got an email. Tacked onto it at the end was 'Love you"

Is this good? Is this amazing? Is this great and wonderful and reason to rejoice?

Maybe I'll take the small victories and not worry about the big stuff right now.

Be grateful for what you can be grateful for, right?

Thursday (09-24-09) Big Boy had pack meeting for cub scouts. He's a Webelo and he earned his Arrow of Light award that night. It's a big deal and Beloved came along. Here is where it was a little funny: See, only a handful of people that were there that night knew that Beloved and I were separated. And we had to get up together to paint Big Boy's face and to pin the arrow of light on him and for him to pin me, etc. As I stood up there with Beloved and our son, I was very aware of Beloved's hand on my back, on my waist, at my hip, etc. He stood close. I felt exposed standing up there and still was so very confused. As I said in my journal entry. That day I received an email that said, "love you" and the night before he told me he loved me. Sure, we had been touching and kissing at home, but we were in public, here! I didn't know what was going on. (Gee, that seems to be my perpetual state of mind, doesn't it?)

That night we got home and he kept finding me and kissing me. Ok, I admit, I took my opportunities, too. The kids got put to bed and the kissing and stuff got to be pretty heavy. We stopped and talked a little bit. We were standing the whole time and by now we were standing in the living room. He said, well...Here. Another glimpse into my journal: This is what I wrote after he left:

To My Father in Heaven
Thou art a God of Miracles.
Thou art a God of Love.
Thou art a God of Joy.
Thou art a God of Peace.
Thou art a God of Hope.
Thou art my God.
Thou art my Father.
All my thanks I give to Thee.
All my love is in thanks to Thee.
All my heart is yours to do with it what Thou wilt.
For how could I not believe in Miracles?
How could I not believe in Love?
How could I not believe in Joy? or Peace? Or Hope?
When I see so clearly Thy existence proven
In the gifts of said miracles, said love, said joy, said hope and peace?
I will follow Thee all the days of my life.
For Thou hast led me through the darkness.
And the light can be seen, though from a distance.
And it is enough.
___________________________________________________________________________

"You look beautiful tonight. You look beautiful every night, actually"
"Thank you." smile. "I know." smirk/smile.
surprise. pleasant. smile. "Good"

"You really are beautiful."
smile (though a little bashful) "I know. And thank you."

"I hope you can be patient with me"
"Haven't I been patient with you?"
"You've been...more than patient...I've spent so much time moving away from you. I don't want to move away from you anymore. I feel like I'm coming out of a fog...I guess...I'm moving in a different direction"
eyebrows up. "that's...good to know..." afraid to breathe.
"I need you to give me time..."
"You have time. You have time...It's hard. For you."
"Yes..."
"But you're worth it."
a gentle argument ensues consisting mostly of "no I'm not"s and "you ARE worth it"s, then...
"No. I'm not...But you are."
blush. eyes and head down. hand to eyes/face. head up. 'Don't make me cry, you big bully' smile. kiss.

hands held.
kisses.
kisses.
smiles.
kisses.
i love you's from both...and from him first.
kisses.
good night.

____________________________________________________________________
I kept telling him he is worth it. He is. I've never doubted this whole time if he was worth it. Only if I really wanted to keep fighting when it would be so easy to just give up. Feel so good to be angry and mean. But that darn truth--He is worth it kept coming back to me.

"you are worth anything I'd have to go through...(later) you ARE worth it. And when you believe that--everything will fall into place"
"I'll never believe that"
"You will."

He will. Because it is true. He is worth it. This family is worth it. But HE is worth it.

OK. So, I'm going to go ahead and stop there for now. After looking this over, I'm going to put his words in one color, and mine in another, to make the journal entry easier to read. I hope that helps.

*******************************************
Also, thanks to Steph and Rosanne for sticking up for me and verifying my existence and the validity of my blog. Anonymous, no worries. Though, I am curious as to what is so unreal about my life. Just wondering.

D'Ya got a minute?

2009-10-07T11:44:00.000-07:00

Well!

Beloved's desire to spend evenings together is lovely. . .but it's hell on my blogging habit.

I mean, I had a system: At night after he went home I'd sit down at the computer and surf through blogs. If I felt like writing a post, I'd do it, or start a post, at least. If not, I'd just write in my online journal (ldsjournal.com, FYI, is super--you can text in your journal entry for the day and they email you if you haven't logged on in 3 days as a reminder). I'd watch a little t.v. and then read my scriptures and say my prayers and climb into bed in time to watch Craig Ferguson's monologue. Then I shut off the t.v., roll over and go to sleep. Ahhhh.

OK. It was lonely, sure. But I had a system.

Now I have to find a new system. Because I feel like this blog began as a blog about the infidelity but, even though Beloved is home, there is still so much to say. My story doesn't end with him returning. I'm not sure when my story will end. I'm not even sure what will qualify as 'the end'. There is so much to work through and to deal with and SOOOO much that I didn't say.

And this is why:

Luke 2: 19. "But Mary kept all these things, and pondered them in her heart." (King James Version)

There were many times that I just felt like I needed to hold thoughts and experiences and even blessings, etc. inside. Maybe I was afraid he'd use it against me. Maybe I was afraid I'd jinx things. Maybe I was afraid I'd be laughed at. I mean, I have been laughed at (NOT by Beloved--just to clarify). And it's ok. I know they weren't trying to hurt my feelings. They were just reacting. And I can let it not bother me now.

So here goes some of the story. I say 'some' because my fingers may get tired.

On the 8th of September (09-08-09) I asked Beloved to do something for me. I asked him to tell me three things that irked him about me. He, of course, had nothing to say. ( I mean, hellO, I'm perfect...Oh, wait--) So I told him to think about it and to tell me the next day.

On the 9th of September (09-09-09) I went...somewhere...hmmm, I don't remember, actually. Oh, but it doesn't matter. OK. Back on task, Gigi. So, I came home and sat on the couch (the kids were already in bed) and asked him if he had thought about what I asked him. He said that nothing irks him about me right now. I said, well, what did...or something like that. He asked why and I answered that I'm trying to be a better person. (More on that later...Sheesh. Someone email me and remind me of all these 'laters' I've been putting in the last few posts.) So he told me. 3 things. which I was TOTALLY guilty of. And which really opened my eyes to my selfishness. Not that he said I was selfish. So don't you get yourselves upset. He just spoke the truth. I may tell you guys later. Just, right now it's not really important.

I could see that it really cost him something emotionally to tell me those things. So I told him so, and thanked him. Then when he finally looked up I smiled at him.

And then I saw it.

His eyes lit up and he sucked in a breath. It was brief. And I saw a smile on his mouth which I hadn't seen in a long while. To be honest, I was a little ~~freaked out~~ confused. So I asked, "What...?" His answer was, "Nothing. It's just that...it's been a long time since you've smiled at me. It was...nice." I replied that it had been a long time since we had reason to smile at eachother.

We talked some more--just chitchat. He had already told me he was going to be out of town for the weekend. He told me that he went to the therapist (his first time) that day. We chatted more. I saw his mouth working in a weird way. I asked him what he was doing. He replied, "I...I want to smile at you. But I'm...nervous. It's like I'm trying to take a picture." (Beloved is notoriously unable to smile naturally for a camera)

After a little while he said, "Nothing has changed. But, would it be o.k. if I hugged you?" I smiled and said, "yes." and he stood up and I said, "What, now?" But he knew I was only teasing and I stood up and hugged him and he cried. We stood like that for several minutes. I told him, "you can always have a hug." and he said 'thank you' and got ready to go, and as we stood in the doorway I gave him another quick hug and a peck on the cheek. And he left.

The next day (09-10-09) was Thursday and we talked again after the kids were in bed. Again, just chitchat. I asked him about a marriage seminar that was taking place the weekend after in a city not far from us. He replied that what would be the point? We weren't there yet. It was the reply I expected, but I felt like I needed to make the offer anyway. Again, as he left I gave him a quick hug.

He was gone for the weekend and we saw him again on Tuesday.

(09-14-09) Baby Boy was in the backyard with my dad when Beloved came from work to see the kids. Beloved didn't come inside since the big kids were out front riding skateboards and bikes. I went outside to greet Beloved. I told him that Baby Boy heard his voice from the backyard and started grunting and looking around for him (which, I'm guessing is how he came to be let out through the gate by my dad and brought to the front yard to see Beloved by the time I got out there). I made a point to touch him on the shoulder and to look him in the eye and say with a smile, "It's nice to have you back". He smiled and said, "Thank you." And as I was turning away I let my hand slide down along his arm and didn't realize until after I took a step away that his hand was turning as if to grab mine and hold it.

During that week a lot of little things happened and changed. And I dont remember exact dates of it all. So, I'll just say them in no particular order:

I continued making a point of touching him/hugging him in greeting and parting.

And something amazing happened (well, it was amazing to me, at least): he stopped shying away from me. Now, what I mean by that is that for weeks (months?) he had avoided touching me in passing. If he had to go through the hallway at the same time as I was coming the other way, he'd press himself against the wall to avoid contact. But suddenly (and I remember the first time it happened) he was putting his hand on my waist or hips as he passed, touching my shoulder or arm if we were near each other.

I decided not to be the one to always go for a hug so I backed off. And one night I gave in as he was leaving and asked, 'can I get a hug goodbye?' The next night I was excited that I was nursing Baby Boy as Beloved was leaving and he crossed the room to hug me goodbye.

And we began kissing on the cheek as he left.

And he was staying to talk. But just chitchat. (I know I'm using that word a lot. Sorry.)

Thursday (09-17-09) was "Families Are Forever Day" for our Stake, which means that all the members of our Stake (like a parrish) who can go to the temple were asked to spend the day serving there. My mom came down and watched the kids all day (seriously...ALL day...she's awesome) and I went to the temple. I prayed that by my serving in the temple all day, perhaps God would bless my own family because of it.

Friday (09-18-09) some super fabulous women came over with the intention of helping me organize Baby Boy's room and moving Big Boy into it. Yeah. That didn't happen. What DID happen was we got all excited over the front room and rearranged it. It took all day but it looked incredible. Seriously, the room looked and felt like we added another 3 feet to the length of the room. And, since that is the only gathering room in the house (besides the kitchen), the space was much needed.

The ladies were even excited about rearranging the pictures and they hung Beloved's and my wedding photos in several places in the room, but all (somehow) facing the couch. We hung up family photos, and recentered my gorgeous "The Russian Bride's Attire" (ok. if you click on the link, just know that that chick is NOT me. I just googled 'the russian bride's attire' and hers was the best picture of it. The others were so washed out. anyway. just so you know. that's not me. I'm so not a blonde--not that there's anything wrong with that!) It all looked so lovely.

But here was the drawback: the t.v. is in a really weird position. So you have to sit on one half of the couch...or one edge of one half of the couch in order to see well. But that would prove to be felicitous. I'll explain:

Saturday (09-19-09) was just Saturday. I can't remember anything out of the ordinary except that a coworker of Beloved's was getting married that day and I was sorry that I would now miss it. I got to know his fiance while attending the softball games over the summer and really liked her. So, anyway...the kids went to bed and Beloved was busy doing some reading on the internet (I think he was reading up on BYU football). I decided to watch t.v. I decided that I was bored with t.v. and wanted to watch "The Fellowship of The Rings". I started watching it and Beloved came over to sit with me and watch it. Like I said, above, you have to sit on the last two cushions on the sectional in order to see the t.v. at a good angle. I gave him the better seat (obviously) and made myself comfortable. Thing is, from where I was sitting it was more comfortable to sit with my legs curled under me and my head resting on the cushion behind and to the side of me. So I was kind of leaning, you know? Anyway. He sat next to me and as we watched I let my hand rest on his arm. And he leaned a little closer. And I let my hand trace his arm. And the kids called for me to come sing to them or give them water or something. I got up and hoped he wouldn't say, "well, gotta go!" when I got back. He didn't. We kept watching. Me with my hand on his arm, head on his shoulder and he with his hand on my leg, and his head sometimes resting on mine. You know that movie is 2 discs long, so we only watched most of the first disc and he was tired and said he had better go. Or maybe I said that. I don't remember. He left and I thought, 'well, that was nice. but don't get your hopes up.'

Then Sunday. Well, you remember what happened Sunday.

And I'm going to stop there for now.

Still Spinning

2009-10-02T21:19:00.000-07:00

Sorry it has taken me so long to come back to the computer.

It has been a week since Beloved and I talked and he came home to his family...to me. The first several days were really...confusing. On one hand I was grateful to have him home and I felt he was truly sincere. On the other I was anxious that it seemed to come on so suddenly and could this be real?

I admit, there were moments that I had mini panic attacks that his return was all a ruse, that I would wake up one day to find divorce papers on my pillow or something.

That night that he came home (which I will tell about in another post) I said (to myself as well as to God), "This feels too easy." Now, I didn't mean that these last several months were easy. But, well, you have to understand where I was coming from. And that is something that I don't think I fully divulged here on my blog.

I was convinced that he was going to go to California. I was sure he wouldn't wake up on his own. Now, don't get me wrong, I held out hope. But I was gearing myself up for his departure. I kept saying to myself, "Just make it to October," which is when I thought he'd go.
I was making myself tough on the inside. I was steeling myself to what I believed would happen. I told myself that he would have to go to California and lose everything before he realized what he once had. And yet--and yet I would pray that he might not. That our children would be spared any further pain. That his heart might be softened and that he might begin to gain some sort of clarity about the situation.

So when Beloved confessed all to me and told me that he loved me and only...well, I'm getting ahead of myself now, aren't I? ; )

So I felt like I didn't know what to do with myself: here I had been readying myself for one thing and then my life turns around 180 degrees. I felt dizzy. I still do. It's a bit heady to see the way he looks at me sometimes.

The other day, though my apprehension went away. I was pulling out my cell phone to call one of my dearest friends, but as I was dialing I kept hearing BFF's name repeating in my head. I decided to call her. And as she and I talked and I explained how I felt about the situation she said something that helped me feel at peace with the way things had shifted so suddenly.

(I hope she doesn't mind my sharing this)

She told me that as I spoke it made her think of Abraham and Isaac. That Abraham was preparing himself to do this hard and awful thing, to sacrifice his son. How he must have prepared himself, resolved himself to the task--and then his hand was stayed. It made me think that maybe Heavenly Father was being merciful to me and to my little family.

I'm glad I called BFF. Don't you love when you follow a prompting and it pays off?!

Anyway. Well, I am muy cansado. So I need to get some sleep. I'll fill you in on more later, especially my perception of how the change occurred.

Oh, and on the fact that the next day...oh, you know what? It'll wait. ; )

Baby Girl's Newest Words

2009-09-26T07:12:00.000-07:00

"Now we are a glued family...That means sticked together."

Those were Baby Girl's words this morning when she came into my mine and Beloved's room and found him laying in bed.

Last night I slept only a few hours. But I'm not tired.
Beloved came home.
Shannon is back in the past where she belongs.
More later.

Right now I'm going to go snuggle with my family. Right now there are 5 people piled into our little Queen-sized bed, hugging and kissing and telling stories...oh, and one Baby Boy who is crying all of a sudden. Better go see what that is about. ; )

Gigi.

Thoughts. Just...Thoughts...

2009-09-25T23:11:00.001-07:00

I've been thinking about Baby Girl's words. Hoping they meant something to Beloved.

I prayed for that the night she told him all those things too profound for a 4 year-old.

As I lay in bed I pictured what I had asked in my prayer:

Let Baby Girl's words be like creatures with claws. Not mean. Not hurtful. Like, birds. Let her words be like little birds which might perch themselves on Beloved's heart. Let those little claws hold tight, so they cannot easily be shaken off. Let the weight and heft of their meaning lend weight and heft to his heart. Let him see what he is doing to his little girl.

And the wind is shifting. Something is changing. So we'll see...

******************************************

Also:

If some of you missed it, here is an a w e s o m e article by one who has gone through this. Well, something similar. Go read it.

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/08/02/fashion/02love.html?_r=2

*******************************************

Oh. A quote. Something in the last post's comments made me think of C. S. Lewis:

"To love at all is to be vulnerable. Love anything, and your heart will
certainly be wrung and possibly broken. If you want to make sure of
keeping it intact, you must give your heart to no one, not even to an
animal. Wrap it carefully round with hobbies and little luxuries; avoid
all entanglements; lock it up safe in the casket or coffin of your
selfishness. But in the casket- safe, dark, motionless, airless--it
will change. It will not be broken; it will become unbreakable,
impenetrable, irredeembable."

It sucks sometimes. But it is worth it.

Gigi.

Get Over Yourself

2009-09-24T22:23:00.000-07:00

OK. So here's what I have learned:
I have good days and I have bad days.
The good days...are good. (I know, so eloquent. It's a wonder I haven't been nominated for a Pulitzer of Blogging. I done write real good.)

The bad days consist of me dragging my tush out of bed, and getting things done in auto-pilot mode. The bad days are salty with tears. The bad days are wearying.

But I am learning to avoid them. Not altogether. But mostly. I don't have bad days anymore. I have bad hours, or bad minutes. And they are more maneagable.

You see: If I focus on me, on how this sucks, on how hard this is and wouldn't it just be easier another way. If I start to worry that I'm too weird and noone will ever love me again. If I think about my fears/self-doubt. If I focus on the miriad of little blows and piercing remarks (that he probably doesn't even realize he's dealt), then I feel like...like I am going to sink under the weight of it.

It's physical. I can feel my shoulders fill with lead. I can feel my heart begin to race in panic or anger or fear. Or pain. I can feel myself slipping into a mud that is deep and thick--and cold at first, but then my body heat warms it up a bit and it can become...comfortable, and my will to fight it kind of...fades away. That is the danger of it. It feels so good sometimes to wallow. (As my mom used to say,--ok, she still does--'It's nice to sit in warm s***') The thing is, you can't stay there. Or you'll drown. You just keep sinking deeper and deeper into that mud. You may not even realize it when it begins to fill you. And all you are left with is hurt, pain, anger, a feeling of mistreatment, and discontent.

Now. Don't get me wrong. This isn't about depression. Depression is real. People I love suffer from severe depression or it's various incarnations. I'm not talking about that. I'm talking about choosing to wallow in and focus on/relive/pick apart hurtful experiences/words/etc.

When I focus on my kids and Beloved and the concern I have for them--and stop worrying about the ways I've been wronged, etc.--the rest just melts away. I can focus. I can breathe better. I may not feel light and airy, but I sure don't feel cold and wet and swallowed up by something that could kill me. I feel peaceful. I feel--dare I say it?--happy. I smile. I laugh.
I can move freely and think freely and feel the warmth of the sun on my skin. It is good.

Now, some may say that I am going about it the wrong way. Some may say a little anger never hurt anyone, and not to bury my head in the sand.

OK. So say that.

But you see, I know I was wronged. I know this sucks. Most of those things that make my bad days bad are real and true fears/feelings/concerns. But I think life is about choices. I choose not to dwell on them. I choose not to focus on Gigi.

Now that isn't to say that I don't take care of myself. I'm eating (a little too well...gotta get back to that sugar-free lifestyle), and exercising, and taking time to read, and get together with friends, and being spiritually fed as well. I feel good. But focusing on something is different from caring for something. I'm caring for myself right now. I'm focusing on my family.

Now.
I'm no fool. I know I'll have bad days again. I'm not impervious. I'm human. There may be a day in the not-too-distant future when Baby Girl comes up to me again and says (again) 'Mommy. How about a makeover...Instead of more crying?' But I will try to avoid those days. I know the secret:

It's not 'get over it'.

It's 'Get Over YOU'.

"We are a broken family"

2009-09-20T22:13:00.000-07:00

is what Baby Girl, age 4 lamented today as she got into the car with her brother and sister.

She kept asking as we were walking to the car and as I was coercing the kids to actually "get in", 'why isn't daddy coming to church with us?'

Then she said, "He's supposed to come to church with us. We are a broken family. WE ARE A BROKEN FAMILY!!!"

Beloved was standing in the doorway of the house with Baby Boy in his arms. He asked what she said and I told him and he looked surprised and said, "why would she say that?!" I just looked at him. I wanted to say something (like, 'DUH, I wonder?!'), but it was just too sad to hear those words coming out of that sweet little mouth.

As we drove away she started to cry and said, "We are a broken family because Daddy doesn't sleep with us. Or eat breakfast with us. Or go to church with us."

I thought she forgot about it, but tonight she gave the prayer as we knelt as a family. And she asked that Daddy would be blessed and safe as he drives to his friend's house. Then after she said 'amen' she got up and looked at him and asked, 'why don't you live with us anymore?'

She said a lot of things tonight to him. And I think a dressing down by a four year old is a lot more powerful than any one I could have given. Some of what she said to him were:
why don't you live with us anymore?
you should sleep with us.
you shouldn't sleep at your friend's house.
why do you want to sleep at your friend's house?
you should just live with us.
you should come back.
just come back.
our family is broken because of you.
you should come to church and have breakfast with us.
you are breaking our family apart.

I know. It breaks my heart to write this. And it isn't all. It's all I could remember, and at one point I decided I needed to give them a little privacy so she could cry and be mad at him and he could deal with her on his own.

I don't know what to think about how he handled it. He tried to comfort her and talk to her. When she said 'our family is broken because of you' he quietly responded, 'You're probably right'. Which I wanted to say, "What 'probably'? There's no 'probably'! She IS right!" but I didn't, of course. And of course, as is typical of Beloved lately, he completely missed the point and kept saying that he never eats breakfast with the family because he is always at work by then. I felt like explaining, 'she's not complaining about breakfast. she's complaining about your lack of presence. she misses kissing you good morning and hugging you goodbye. she misses waving at the window as you drive away.' But I kind of feel what is the point in saying those things. I don't know if he even would hear it right now.

On the upside--I am feeling very well. Woah. That was totally self-absorbed, wasn't it? "Other than that, Mrs. Lincoln, how was the play?" and all. Sheesh.

I am going to see how to handle things with Baby Girl tomorrow. Big Boy and Big Girl act like nothing is going on. That can't be healthy. They are going to see their school's counselor soon. I talked to her about what is going on and I think after that we'll know what next.

As always, please pray for my kiddos. But also (again, as always) please pray for Beloved. That his heart will be softened to his family and that he can begin to gain some clarity of mind, some discernment, maybe.

Gigi.

Purgatorio

2009-09-10T22:58:00.000-07:00

I have been asked what I am doing for myself. The answer is: "Um..."

I have been taking time every week to go to the temple. And I am reading a little bit. I have been journaling, and working on an essay to enter into a contest. Do those count?

I try not to sit without something to occupy myself. Because if I have a moment to sit, without a kid on my lap or someone vying for my attention, I know what will be running through my head: Thing One and Thing Two in the form of "what-if" and "but-when".

It is inescapable. I get frustrated with myself for allowing this trial to overrun my day thoughts. I hate that I can't even escape it in my sleep. But I don't think there is anything I can do about it. I mean...I'm in limbo. Until Beloved chooses one thing or another, I am in my own personal purgatory.

Interestingly enough, Purgatory (according to Wikipedia) "is the condition or process of purification in which the souls of those who die in a state of grace are made ready for Heaven" Now, I must say, I think that fits in this situation. Wait a minute, hear me out! I mean, I'm not dead (um, obviously...why did I need to point that out?), but aside from that, I am in a situation, or place, if you will, in my life wherein I can be changed.
.
.
.
I wrote this post a few days ago, but didn't get around to finishing my thought, but yesterday as I was catching up on my googlereader I read this post from Jennifer P. I liked how she described her life right now. It is uncertain and the normalcy that she keeps thinking she'll obtain or has obtained keeps escaping her. She said, "I'm kind of spilled right now. And I want to just stay cleaned up for a while." It makes sense if you read the post. She's a great blogger. Go read the post. WAIT! AFTER you finish reading this post, Silly!

Anyway. As I read those words I felt like they describe me. So much of me is laid bare and spilled out of me right now. I am having to look very seriously at myself and I have come to realize that I wasn't someone I could be proud of before this all happened. And I thought about how Beloved's infidelity has changed me--in a good way. In a really good way. And I think the beauty of being stripped bare, of being spilled out, is just as Jennifer says, "And that each time I get spilled, there is a chance to purge out the junk and what isn't needed and only put the good stuff away."

So here I am. The beauty of it is I can change. I have choices. I can choose to take out the stuff in my life that was just...noise...or, excess...or even deficiencies (can you remove deficiencies? oh well, I think you know what I mean). I can choose to keep the good that was there before, and add to it with what I am learning now.

It is my hope that I am becoming refined and purified in this process. I know my heart is different than it was before. I know I am more forgiving, more open, more understanding, more trusting in God, more hopeful in His promises.

So maybe this purgatory isn't so bad.

Maybe it is all a matter of perspective...

Identity Crisis

2009-09-10T22:36:00.000-07:00

Well, ok, not really. But I have been thinking lately about how much of my life and myself is consumed by this whole mess.

And I have been thinking about how lately when I think of myself I think "Gigi" instead of my real name. When I think of Beloved, his name doesn't always come first to mind, often I think first of "Beloved" (which, to be honest, is how I thought of him before, so that isn't much of a stretch, except for now I almost call him that to people when I'm talking).

What does that say about me that I consider myself Gigi? I mean, this IS me, writing. And this IS me being ME. So why shouldn't I think of myself with that name? It used to be a nickname my big sis had for me.

You tell me. Is it weird? I really don't know.

**************************************

OK. Here are a few readers whom I am worried about or hoping to hear from. (I know that was grammatically horrific...I really don't care. Oh, what am I saying? Of course I care. It's going to bug me, just like it usually does, but I am going to choose not to notice it. Laziness helps...)

P: I am praying for you and your beloved. I haven't stopped. I keep checking to see if you've written more. I am hoping since you haven't that you are doing ok. You don't need to contact me. Just know I'm pulling for you.

Anonymous blogger who set up an 'imnotgivinguponyou' email: I've responded. I hope you haven't given up on answering me. Where are you? I would like to hear your story, if you are still sharing.

Cameo: I am praying for you big time, too. How is your baby? Are you OK? Please let me know. Email me or something. When you get a chance. No rush....I'll just be sitting here drumming my fingers... ; )

**************************************

To the rest of you, and my commenters, I love you love you. And I am sorry I am so slow about replying to comments. I'll be going through my emails and clearing them out this weekend. Maybe that will help? We shall see.

And I thought I was doing a good job...

2009-09-05T21:01:00.000-07:00

...of holding my world together and keeping up appearances.

As it turns out--not so much.

I guess I feel like people can't see the inside, so how are they to know how thinly I am tied together some days? How are they to know my world is suddenly made up of 'what-if's'?

I was at the school getting my kids registered and paid for, etc. (This was a few weeks ago) I felt I needed to let the school counselor know what is going on at home. She wasn't there, but I spoke to one of the women who work in the office with whom I'm only a little familiar. She said she was sorry (I don't know how to react to that without saying, 'yeah, me too.') and that she knew something was wrong as I walked into the gymnasium with my kids. She said it just looked like something was weighing me down.

It isn't the first time someone has said something like that. But the others who said that are people who are close to me, who know me and the buoyancy with which I usually go through life.

It surprises me that I have become so transparent. Have I? Should it surprise me?

It makes me think of "Graceland" by Paul Simon. Not the album, but the actual song on the album:

In July, right after returning from our trip to see Brother and Sister, the 6 of us were driving home from Beloved's softball game. Beloved decided he wanted to listen to music. He put on Graceland. I tried to keep my cool, but couldn't help reaching out as if to shut off the song, though I thought better of it and told myself, 'it's fine, you're okay' over and over again.
Because this is the part I forgot was in the song:

"And she said losing love
Is like a window in your heart,
Everybody sees you're blown apart,
Everybody sees the wind blow"

And I was thinking, yes, that is what I feel like. Like everyone can see it. And yet, I didn't believe that strangers could see it. But maybe they can. Maybe it isn't as hidden as I thought.

Maybe this is something like a tattoo. It has scarred me. It is now a part of me.

Can I make it into something beautiful?

You know what? I believe that with God's help, I can.

On Losses...

2009-09-03T21:19:00.000-07:00

My father in law and youngest brother in law came to visit. It was a nice visit. They were just stopping through, though, and so we only had them for the night and they left a little after breakfast the next morning. While FIL was here I told him about my cousin who just had her first baby who was just diagnosed with Down Syndrome. My youngest brother in law also has Down Syndrome. I asked FIL if he would want to write a note to her as a parent of a Down Syndrome child. He pulled out his computer and read me this article below.

As he read it both of us became very choked up. I'll explain why in a moment.

Welcome to Holland by Emily Perl Kingsley.
copyright 1987 by Emily Perl Kingsley. All rights
reserved
As published in “That All May Worship and Serve,” July, 2002,
as published on the United Church of Christ Disabilities Ministries web site at http://www.uccdm.org/2000/07/21/acceptance-of-your-child-welcome-to-holland/
"I am often asked to describe the experience of raising a child with a disability - to try to help people who have not shared that unique experience to understand it, to imagine how it would feel. It's like this......
When you're going to have a baby, it's like planning a fabulous vacation trip - to Italy. You buy a bunch of guide books and make your wonderful plans. The Coliseum. The Michelangelo David. The gondolas in Venice. You may learn some handy phrases in Italian. It's all very exciting.
After months of eager anticipation, the day finally arrives. You pack your bags and off you go. Several hours later, the plane lands. The stewardess comes in and says, "Welcome to Holland."
"Holland?!?" you say. "What do you mean Holland?? I signed up for Italy! I'm supposed to be in Italy. All my life I've dreamed of going to Italy."
But there's been a change in the flight plan. They've landed in Holland and there you must stay.
The important thing is that they haven't taken you to a horrible, disgusting, filthy place, full of pestilence, famine and disease. It's just a different place.
So you must go out and buy new guide books. And you must learn a whole new language. And you will meet a whole new group of people you would never have met.
It's just a different place. It's slower-paced than Italy, less flashy than Italy. But after you've been there for a while and you catch your breath, you look around.... and you begin to notice that Holland has windmills....and Holland has tulips. Holland even has Rembrandts.
But everyone you know is busy coming and going from Italy... and they're all bragging about what a wonderful time they had there. And for the rest of your life, you will say "Yes, that's where I was supposed to go. That's what I had planned."
And the pain of that will never, ever, ever, ever go away... because the loss of that dream is a very very significant loss.
But... if you spend your life mourning the fact that you didn't get to Italy, you may never be free to enjoy the very special, the very lovely things ... about Holland."

As FIL read this to me I felt like it describes my situation
well. A loss of expectations (over a child or over your life) is a loss all the same. And yet, there can be so much joy found if one is searching
for it.
I feel blessed to not have to search very hard.
And for the record, dear readers, I view you as the lovely tulips
that have popped up in the landscape of my life. Only not so numerous as
in the picture below. ; ) Um, and sorry if that was totally cheesy. I guess Wonder Woman is rubbing off on me. (hugs, WW!)
ugh...i stink at using the 'blockquotes' thing. how do i fix this?! blech...

What I wish I could explain to people.

2009-09-01T22:14:00.001-07:00

Do not mistake

my willingness to forgive

or my loving and peaceable attitude

for weakness.

I know the easy way out.

I'm just not choosing it.

Boy do I suck at short posts...

2009-08-27T20:43:00.000-07:00

I notice that I'm not terribly clear in my posts. I know what I am trying to say, and I just assume others do too. So I figure that is something I need to work on...

Anyway, I'll clarify a little as I answer some of the comments from my 'Sundays' post.

Beloved is still going to church. Just not our home ward. He is going to the ward that is near his new place. He doesn't want to face the people in our ward (as I understand it) because he'll be wondering who knows and who is looking at him wall-eyed and who is going to say something to him about it. Which, I think is funny, because I can't imagine anyone saying anything to him about it. None of our friends are like that.

[funny side note about people at church coming up and talking to him: Three weeks after I found out what was happening, I made him go to church with us, and immediately after Sacrament meeting (LDS church meetings are 3 hours long on Sundays, consisting of a sacrament service with everyone all together, then a sunday school hour and then an hour where the men meet together in their quorums, the women meet together, the young women , the young men, etc.) a gentleman came up to Beloved, shook his hand and said, "Beloved, I've got to know what you are doing. You have got to tell me right now." Beloved just blanched. He looked ill. The guy must have seen the look on his face and so he continued (after a long pause) "...'cause I am trying to lose weight and it just isn't working. How much have you lost, man?!" The color rushed back into Beloved's face and he talked about how he's lost 40 lbs and that he's been working out, etc. That, as far as I know, is the closest anyone has come to 'confronting' him. And that wasn't even confronting him! It was just poor word choice by someone who knew absolutely nothing about the situation. Which was pretty funny, if you ask me.]

And I didn't mean that people are being nosey about the situation. It's more that, well, Beloved is one of those people who are...beloved. There was always some brother stopping him to talk BYU football (Beloved's other religion) and some young man or young woman stopping Beloved in the hall to chat (he taught early morning seminary for about 2 years) or something. I tease him that it is usually the wife who is the reason families are so slow in leaving after church because the women are always talking, but for us he is the one in the halls chatting it up with everyone. People notice he isn't there.

And I don't feel embarrassed by this situation I find myself in. It's funny:
Rocky, you said you are trying to get me to stop apologizing. I don't know who you are, but guess what...I apologize wayyyy too much. I always have. I tend to take responsibility for everything. Things that I have no control over I still feel like "maybe there is something I could have done...maybe it is because I'm a rotten person...maybe if I had only (fill in the blank)". In high school my friends little brother knocked some girl up and I felt somehow guilty for it. I know. Ridiculous, but there you have it. It's me. Somehow it is my own failings that cause the sorrow in this world.

Except now.

Now, when I should really feel the weight of those emotions crushing down on me--I don't. I admit there have been mistakes I made, and I intend not to make them again. But embarrasment, shame, self-consciousness? I don't feel it.
Weird.

Now, do I feel guilty for those whose stomachs ache because of what I am going through? TOTALLY. I had a friend tell me tonight that she thinks about me every day, all day. I said 'I'm so sorry'. Because: I get that I have to deal with this, and occasionally feel sick or angry or grieve over it. But that's 'cuz it's my life. But that others have to feel that way...I just feel awful. And yet, this isn't my fault. Or is it? If I weren't so darn loveable... Kidding. Totally kidding.

I don't want them to go to his place because it's just one room in his friend's basement that he lives in. Beloved originally asked if he could have the kids take turns having sleepovers with him. One or two at a time, because they'd have to hang out in his room or something like that. I said no. Just...no. I remember going to see my dad some weekends and feeling so sorry for him to see how he was living. And he had his own apartment...not...a room in someone's basement. I just, hated that feeling. I can see Big Girl totally internalizing it like I did at that age. So not good.

And, frankly, it's Sunday. They are my kids. I want to be with them. And truthfully I want Beloved to be able to spend Sunday with us. It's just that some days are harder than others, you know?

And I don't "hate dealing with" Beloved or his "crap". Well, I am sick of it. But it isn't an angry sort of feeling. It's more...like, "ugh, are we still doing this?"

And I would love an apology (btw, Rocky--I love the words 'profuse' and 'profusely'...just...fyi) but not right now. And mostly because he doesn't really feel sorry. I mean, he has told me he's sorry, but it is such a vague kind of "i'm-sorry-about-all-the-starving-children-in-china" kind of disconnected "i'm sorry", you know? Did that make sense? Just to be clear: he's not apologizing for starving children in China. I just mean that his "i'm sorry" to me feels like...like I'm not a real person so my 'hurt' is kind of vague and theoretical to him. OK. Perhaps that was more confusing...
Dang.

And Wonder Woman: I like that idea. Sometimes I just need to step outside of myself and get out of my 'this is my life' muck, you know? I think I may just take that bit of advice. Blondie brownies, mmmmmm.....

**Edited Post! I am a dork and typed "Saturday" instead of "Sunday" for church. Durrr. Thanks, BFF for pointing it out. Moco... ; )**

Sundays

2009-08-25T22:00:00.000-07:00

"I can't seem to make it through Sundays. I can't seem to make it through Sundays. Monday through Saturday I get by just fine. Every other day of the week I feel all right, but, I don't know why--I don't know why..."
--Lucinda Williams

That pretty much sums it up.

If you haven't heard of Lucinda Williams, well you should get to know her. She's a little bit rock a little bit folk a little bit country. I heart her. And I don't listen to country. My favorite albums by her are 'lucinda williams' and 'car wheels on a gravel road' and 'sweet old world'.

Sundays are hard for me. I don't know why. Perhaps it is because he isn't there with us. Perhaps it is because I'm trying to avoid people asking me where Beloved is. Perhaps it is that so much of what is said on any given Sunday can apply to my situation. And I think "He knows this. How is he so far past caring?!" Perhaps it is that there are people there who love me and my family (and Beloved) and who understand my struggle and I feel safe, then, to just...be. Perhaps it is just nothing I can put my finger on.

But I just have a hard time on Sundays. And I don't want to come home. And I don't want to see him when I'm already down. But it's Sunday. And he wants to be with our kids. And our kids want to be with their parents. So it is here.

Friday a friend brought me some beautiful, sunny flowers. I was grateful for them on Friday. They were bright and cheery. Sunday I was even more grateful, since they sat in the middle of the table and at dinner I didn't have to see his face.

It's just...how I feel on Sundays. Like I just want to curl up with my kids and hunker down in a blanket and go to sleep...until Monday, and not have to bother with Beloved. Just for the day.

sorry

2009-08-24T21:22:00.000-07:00

i just haven't felt much like i know what to write.

i appreciate your words. i really do.

i didn't mean to worry anyone, either.

i'll write tomorrow.

i really mean it.

promise.

gigi

A Call To Repentance, or I've Been Chastened

2009-08-18T02:44:00.000-07:00

Dear Anonymous, Who Wrote This Comment on July 15th:

Did you ever think that this whole blog, though a nice way to vent, is in fact a very real form of your own "covenant breaking"?!? You promised to be faithful to him... and though he hasn't done the same for you, it doesn't make it right...not so much in line with that whole "turn the other cheek" concept, ya know. You should blog in a written book... because there are a lot of people reading this that know who you are, no matter how anon the blog is... and that fact means that you are publicly defaming your 'Beloved'... so what if he ever wants to turn it around... now the whole world knows... or at least all the people closest to him... You are digging your own grave, sistah. I'd stop while I was ahead if I was you. you are very much ironic. just like the pharasies. gotta love them Utah (Colorado) Mormons!July 15, 2009 11:30PM

First of all, I must apologize for not noticing the comment sooner. I didn't have the email alerts set up to tell me of a comment until a few weeks ago, after your comment was posted.

Now, I'd like to address your comment: Holy cow.

I found this comment a week ago and it has bothered me every day since. For a few reasons. One is a petty reason, and that is that it sounds like you know me and know who knows me on here. Which makes me sad that you didn't think that you could just tell me your concerns, because I would have appreciated that very much.

Another reason it bothered me is because I didn't think of it as breaking my covenants. I didn't feel that I was publicly defaming Beloved, either. Though if that is what someone saw, then maybe it is true. I tried to be honest and yet still loving and not blast Beloved. Though I see now that those who love Beloved just shake their heads when reading this blog and say "wow, poor Beloved" and send love his way. But those who do not know Beloved might read this blog and want to blast him.

I will say, that I have asked Beloved twice (maybe three times? I have to think...) if I should stop my blog. Both times Beloved has said that he understands I need to express what I am feeling and that it doesn't bother him.

I agree that the people closest to him know about the blog. But the only people whom I have given the address for this blog (of people in Beloved's life) are family members whom I would personally have been open with (and some with whom he has been open regarding this affair), and three very close friends (whom Beloved also knows about). It is out of concern for Beloved's embarrassment that I have not until a few days ago shared it with someone from my church. I can honestly say, however, that I do not truly know who reads this, as there have been some days when 50+ people stop by and I have no idea who they are. I just assume they are strangers...

I didn't think I was guilty of breaking my own covenants by keeping this blog. I really didn't. And if I have, then I am so terribly sorry. It is not what I ever meant to happen. I think that is clear. I hope that is clear. I am really trying to do everything right in this whole situation. I know that I am not perfect, and I see now that I have been failing more than I realized.

And for this reason, and also out of concern for your (very valid) point that what if Beloved wants to come back...etc., I am changing this blog's format/mood/content.

I will be going into my archives over the next few days and deleting some posts or portions of posts and summarizing them so as to give Beloved a little more privacy.

I will be shifting my focus from reporting and then telling about my feelings--to Just Me. It'll all be about me! (ok, that was supposed to be funny, but somehow it falls a little flat...)

I'll write this with an eye for...well, exactly what my subtitle says "and LDS woman's journal through her husband's infidelity"...I'll talk about my experience and feelings. Where I have to bring Beloved into things, for explanation, I might. I might not. We'll just have to see.

I must admit, that I started out with that goal. But as I wrote, and as people began to read (people who don't know Beloved) I felt like I had to justify why I am fighting for him. I felt like I had to show his words and his choices so I could explain why I know he is not himself right now. I really did. Perhaps I am a fool. Well, yeah. I think that is pretty obvious. BUT I mean, perhaps I was fooling myself in thinking that is what I was doing.

So no more. I really do love Beloved. And if he decides he wants to make things right, I want him to have the opportunity to do so. Without feeling like everyone and their uncle know his mistakes.

And, as I was talking to the Bishop Sunday about this 'need to justify' feeling, he said something that I've known for a long time, but never have been able to quite live: Don't worry about what other people think. Their opinions are colored by their personal experiences and the experiences of those around them. No one is YOU. No one knows what you have to do but you and God.

And so I have to apologize publicly, here, to Beloved. And to anonymous. And to anyone else I may have offended by blogging my heart out, here. I am sorry for not protecting Beloved as I should have. I am sorry that there are many posts that read like the script from a soap opera and not like a journal of my feelings. I hope you can forgive me and know I totally did it without thinking of the problems it might cause. And I will try to make it right, in whatever way I am able.

OK. So, talk is cheap. Now I need to act. I'll be going through my posts soon. For now, it is the middle of the night and this was weighing on me, so I needed to get up and get it out. I'll be going back to bed, now.

Thanks.

Gigi.

I've got a peaceful, easy feeling...

2009-08-15T18:55:00.000-07:00

OK. That was a reference to the Eagles. No particular reason. Just that the word peaceful is in the song.

Although, now that I think of it...Desperado...

Oh. Man, am I going on a tangent today or what?

I've been taking it easy the past few days. I have enjoyed the peaceful feeling I have felt. I'm not looking for it to go away any time soon.

And yet, I wonder. How long can this last? But I've decided not to marr the peace I feel by worrying how long until it goes away?

I've felt this before. It's a calm before a storm. So I'm going to enjoy it. Enjoy my kids. Rest up. Rejuvenate myself for the next step in this process.

Angels in Yellow Rubber Gloves

2009-08-12T21:20:00.000-07:00

Did you know that angels carry paper towels, tilex, 409, and clorox? It's true. I can prove it. Because Tuesday an army of angels, otherwise known as beautiful women from my church, descended upon my home and made it sparkle and shine.

Monday two angels-on-earth came by to see what I needed. When I said nothing, they said, 'no, really. what can we do.' and I thought about how I feel so overwhelmed at the idea of trying to get the house back in working order again. And they said, "That's what we thought. You need some peace. How about we get some people over here tomorrow?" Ok. I'm totally paraphrasing. But it was something like that.

It was badly in need of a good scrub down, let me tell you. On one hand it was terribly embarrassing to have them come in and clean my house. And terribly humbling to allow them in the first place. I haven't done any housework since I found out all of this was going on. And even in June my house was beginning to look like I'd have to pray the health board doesn't stop by.

So imagine how it looked after weeks of me feeling no desire to clean. No brain power to waste, er, spend (can someone teach me how to do the crossing out type?!) on organization or, you know, anything.

Think "How Clean Is Your House?" I know. It's disgusting. I used to watch that show and think, "I'd never let my house get like that." and yet, here I was.

The most embarrasing thing was when one of the ladies (super awesome and one of those people who I just know has never had a layer of dust or...other stuff...anywhere in her home) was cleaning the floor in my room and asked if I had a pet because the floor had so much hair on it. I was too embarrassed to say that my hair has been falling out by the handful lately. (I'm nursing and under stress. you do the math) So I told her no, but that we did used to. Which we did. But not for a long time. I was just so mortified. I know. I hate that I lied about it. But, seriously, I haven't vacuumed that floor in months. And there was enough to... I dunno. I'm tired, people. I can't think of what I'd do with about a gallon of hair... OK. Not that I'd actually do something with a gallon of hair...I'm not a lunatic.

OK. And there go some of my readers right now. **waving bye-bye sadly**

Anyway. They cleaned every bit of my home. And didn't leave until I had dealt with the piles. They were just what I needed.

Thank you to the women who came to my home. Miss S, Miss Ad, Miss R, Miss Ma, Miss An, Miss Mi, Miss T. I love you all. I know you don't read this, but here is a little love being sent out into the universe on your behalf.
**the sound of a big kiss**

Gigi.

We are fine...

2009-08-11T22:12:00.000-07:00

I need to thank you all for your prayers on my family's behalf. God heard them, let me tell you.

All afternoon I felt peaceful. Then I started to panic. 'Why do I feel peaceful? Why aren't I freaking out? Shouldn't I feel sick to my stomach?'

And then I thought, 'Ok, Gigi, if you are feeling peaceful, it is a gift from Heavenly Father, so just take it and be thankful for it.' And so I was. I still prayed for my kids. I still asked you all for your prayers. (Thank you for them!!!)
But tonight, my children were at peace as well.

Beloved expressed his love for them and then explained that he is living at a friend's house. That he moved some things over there while we were gone and that he will be sleeping there from now on and that if they want him to, he'd like to come over every day, and if they don't want to see him, he won't come over, and if they are scared and want him in the middle of the night, he'll come then, too.

Big Girl kept looking back and forth at me and him. I just tried to send her love, because I was most worried about her. Big Boy just sat and listened quietly. Beloved said that they can ask him questions any time and if they feel like being alone they can tell him, and if they are angry they can tell him that, too. Big Girl asked, 'when are you coming back?' And Beloved answered, 'I don't know. I just don't know.' And Big Girl said, 'ok.' He reminded them that he loves them and this has nothing to do with how much he loves them, etc.

Big Boy said, 'ok.'
Big Girl said, 'ok.
Baby Girl (4) twirled around the room. (Beloved had to repeat the conversation with her later, as she wasn't listening at all.)
Baby Boy (1) is too young to know anything.

After the talk was over and a little while later I was alone and I prayed because I was confused (see, I'm a little thick sometimes) that they weren't crying and all. And I felt like, for a moment I could feel what their hearts felt like and I could feel that Heavenly Father had done for them what he had done for me that first night and had cushioned their hearts and held them up so it doesn't hurt so bad.

Big Boy seemed releaved to know what was going on. Big Girl, I am going to watch, but I think she had a feeling it was coming. There have been things she has said to me. I should post about that, shouldn't I? (Note to self...)

Do I think that there will be times that they cry and carry on and are angry? Sure. Heck, I do it, why shouldn't they? But I am thankful for right now. I think that is all I can really do right now: Be thankful for the blessings when they come, and then face the next challenge. It's pretty much new every day.

I want to thank you all for your love and prayers. I really feel them.

Sending out an SOS

2009-08-11T15:46:00.001-07:00

Pray for me and my kids.

Pray for Beloved, too.

He's telling the kids he's moving out tonight.

Gigi.

Facebook Drama

2009-08-11T13:05:00.000-07:00

**edited to add some more responses. the asterisks will divide the added portion from the original post.**

So, I signed on to FB and I saw that little number up in the top that means you have something in your inbox...don't you love that?! I totally do.
Anyway. I open it up and see HER face staring at me. She sent me a message. This is what it said:

No need to have FIL do your dirty work. I am sure he has better things to do other than monitor me and cc you. I have deleted him from my friend list. By the way thank you so much for having your friends and family (whoever it was) send me those lovely texts...Not sure that I was aware that good mormon people talked that way....

I responded with this, because I did not know what the heck she was talking about at the time (I had just signed on):

Hi, um, I don't understand about FIL doing my dirty work. Didn't YOU seek out the friendship with him?

I'm sorry if the text hurt your feelings. But you have to admit, what you are doing (being a homewrecker, adulterer, etc) is disgusting and by all standards wrong.

As for the language. I am not sure what was said. I am assuming you were called a slut or something. Sorry about that. Obviously I have no control over my friend's language than I have over my husband's actions. ;)

I feel I need to interject here with an explanation that someone asked for her cell phone number. I gave it to that person in a weak moment. Then when Beloved decided (yes, as much as he doesn't see it, he decided) to go to LA after I explained that he wouldn't have a family to return to, I said, 'ok.' and that person used daughter's boyfriend's cell to text Shannon. (Incidentally, he's not LDS--not like THAT matters...I know a few people LDS or Non who could make Sailor's blush!) I wonder if he sent more after the first text was sent from the other person...?

Then I saw my FIL had emailed me with "oops" and then I went back to FB and saw his message there, which said that he was going to unfriend 'said person' but then thought about it and decided that since she sometimes posts stuff he'd just watch and see what she does. And if he has a conversation with her, he'd let me know what was said. So then I understood what she was talking about and sent her this:

Oh. I just saw the comment Dad put in response to my wall post. Now I understand. And you have misunderstood what he and I talked about. I didn't want him to un-friend you and I didn't want him to monitor you. I just wasn't sure what the nature of your relationship with him was, and that is what happened.

Truly, I don't want to spy on you. I don't even have any malice toward you. Others, now...that I cannot account for. As you, apparently, can attest to (the text you received).

But YOU--I pray for. YOU I hope find peace. And of course I pray for the same for my husband.

Gigi

Let her go on about what a b*&#$ I am.
Let her do whatever.

I know who I am.

**************************************************
This is what I found upon opening FB again:

I knew this day would come and I refuse to get into a verbal war with you. I don't have the time or the interest. I don't make decisions for Beloved nor do I have control over his actions.

As far as the name calling...it's merely name calling. But, you in fact gave them my number for reasons only to harass me....You should have just text me yourself or better yet called me.

I know what kind of person I am and I don't have problems sleeping at night. It's too bad actually, you will never get the chance to know ME for who I am and I will never get the opportunity to know YOU for who you are. I do feel that we both are good people and life has not turned out the way we had planned for it to. Funny thing is...I might could have actually got along with you had we met under different circumstances....

Are you truly sorry for your sister calling me a diseased cunt, dirty whore and that I will rot in hell? I can't imagine you are so please don't apologize for something that you don't mean.This will be the last time you hear from me. You can send all the texts, chats, etc. that you need to in order to make yourself feel better. They really don't phase me...Good Bye! :)

Now. I Know I probably should have just ignored that, but this is what I wrote.

Just remember. I didn't contact you. You contacted me. I'm not in for a war of any kind.

And yes, that was a disgusting thing to call you. I am sorry for it. I am glad we will have no further contact. And if you can sleep at night, that is good.

Still praying for you.

Gigi

I don't understand how she thought I was in for a 'verbal fight'. I thought my response was honest and kind.

Another weird thing: I felt like I had read that letter before. Especially the whole 'we could have been friends under different circumstances' and 'you don't know the real me' parts. But it was just, icky deja vu.

OK...Breathe...Breathe...Easy, Tiger!

2009-08-10T21:35:00.000-07:00

OK. First of all, Thank you to Sweet Ash for talking me down from my ledge of insanity. (Red, no worries. It's a figurative ledge...;o)

She helped me see that there may be something more to it and that it is easy enough just to wait for FIL to return my call or call him again to find out what exactly is going on with him friending her on FB. (also, thank you to all the commenters who reminded me of the same thing. sorry you don't get credit, Ash beat you to the punch. *wink*)

OK. sorry I had to take another moment to breathe.

So FIL called me and I was able to talk to him for the first time about this whole...Beloved and me...thing. I don't know what else to call it.

He said that SHE requested to be his friend and he answered back, "Sure, Now, who are you?" and she said something about being from C...the town they lived in when Beloved went to High School.

He swears he hasn't talked to her or had any kind of conversations with her beyond that. I don't know if I totally believe him, but I want to. So I'm kind of torn.

We did have a very nice talk. I told him why it upset me so, that I don't know what is going through his head and is he thinking, "oh, my new daughter, I guess I'll get to know her..." Which kind of surprised him. He told me not to think that. And then we talked for a little while longer. He asked me what is happening now, since he hasn't talked to Beloved in a long time. I told him.

I felt better after talking to him. I am not sure if he won't try to contact her now, but I can't exactly stop him from doing it. Like we all know, agency is agency. The only one I can control is me. So there we have it. At least he knows that I feel it would be a betrayal for him to begin a relationship with her now. And how I feel in general.

Sweet thing--he said he felt so blindsided by this. I said, 'yeah. me, too!'
Everyone does.

Beloved was (and I know inside--deep--he still is) the most incredible man. Good and loving and giving and kind and genuinely wanted to do what was right and what was pleasing to God. Two friends stopped by today. Both of them said the same thing, that they would have been less shocked and surprised if their own husbands had done this, than Beloved. They could not understand how Beloved would do this.

And neither can I in some ways. But some days...some moments I can see things--just glimpses--so clearly. And I feel like we are right where we are supposed to be: In the refiner's fire. But do we make it out of the fire purified and gleaming? I hope so.

The hardest part of this is seeing the pain in his eyes. Those moments when he lets me in...like tonight. And I just want to lie down and weep for him.

It is like...I feel as though...

I have witnessed an angel fall.

LIVID

2009-08-10T11:36:00.000-07:00

I am not sure what this means, but my father in law is friends with Shannon on Facebook.
I feel so betrayed. I mean, C'MON!!!

Seriously. I'm shaking...

Oversight

2009-08-10T01:03:00.000-07:00

**before I begin, I'd like to point out that this is the second post of the day. please see below for a post about your comments and the commenters**

It has come to my attention that there has been a SEVERE oversight on my part.

When discussing my trip (you know, the one where I got away to keep my sanity) I neglected to tell you all that I first stayed with some super people who I am related to. But that isn't what makes them super. No, they are super all on their own. And especially one. You know her, but I won't out her here if she doesn't want that. Ahem.

It is she and her darling daughters who introduced me to Baby Mama and the joys of So You Think You Can Dance (which I never saw until we watched it together). Yeah. I'm a little obsessed with SYTYCD now. So, thanks for that.

She let me talk when I needed to let stuff off my chest, and she just loved me the rest of the time. Which is exactly what I needed. She really has been an angel to me. Her whole family. Seriously, people. I am so blessed.

Hugs to you. (You know who you are!)

Wow. Lots of Comments.

2009-08-10T00:03:00.000-07:00

First of all, to anonymous (#1) in "Of Bridges and Wings....":
Really? Is he cute? Tell me more...
KIDDING, people. But, no really, hang onto him for me. ; )

@ Anonymous (#2) of the same post:
Thanks for your advice. Really. I have been thinking the same thing. I need to get an idea of my options. Look into custody issues and child support, as well. But now I wonder who you are.... Sisters....hmmm...

@ MamaFace in "clarification of the letter"
I'm trying to take care of me. I'm lucky to have such good little kidlets, so they make life easier that way. Um, I am going to the temple weekly to re-center myself. Yeah. Maybe I need to be better about taking care of myself. Right now I'm not sure what that entails. I don't spend all day crying or anything. I'll have to think...

From "The Story, or Most of It":
@Savant: actually, it looks like most of his family know, now. Somehow... And, yeah. I have days when I feel like smashing a few...things.

@ Alicia: Amen (and thanks for saying you'd vote for me...if I ever run for office I'll hold you to it!)

@Mimi: Oh, you have no idea. There are some pretty terrifying things that go through my head sometimes. I'm just lucky I haven't acted on them. I don't really fancy prison.

@WonderWoman: Yeah. I think it'd be a good idea for him to keep a journal of the two (I'm sure, polarities) conversations. Originally (in the very beginning) he thought keeping a journal would be a good idea, but now he's all, 'what's the point'.

@jmn2001: I would really like to take you up on that Kayaking offer. Oh, and I had a conversation with Beloved about Craig, Shannon's husband. And I asked him, "How do you know she isn't feeding you lies about him, the way you are feeding her lies about me?" And he answered, "Well, I don't. But, she wouldn't do that." To which I responded (with a smirk), "Right. Because she's your 'soul-mate'." I know! So naughty.... And you are one of my favorite people, too. Why do you think I keep trying to squeeze my way into your family?!

@ Penelope: Much of his family now knows, and those who have spoken with him, unfortunately, have about as much luck talking sense to him as I have.
As for the leaving: well, he's going to have to do that. He knows the rules, and so he moved out. So, at least there's that. I do think you may have something about the 'getting sick' thing. My hair is falling out at an alarming rate...
OH, and Shannon totally knows we have a family. And little ones. They exchanged pictures. Isn't that sweet?! Oh, and if you are wondering what kind of woman she is, obviously, see the post about texting with her.

@Mimi from "Quick Note...": Dude. I love snark. I'm ok with you all telling me what you think. I just need to maintain my 'unsnarkiness'. Am I making sense? I shouldn't be blogging so late at night....

@Eloh from "Texting With...": Happy to have you! I love unicorns, too! ; )

@Mimi and Wonder Woman: Yeah. I've been trying to be nice about her this whole time, but really, I think you may be onto something. Certainly your words are better/kinder than what my sister calls her...

Of Heartbreak and Homecoming:
@Eloh: Sure, I'll answer them: 1. I have no idea if Shannon reads this. 2. She has 1 child with her husband and 2 stepchildren. Though, on his avon webpage he says he has 8 kids, so maybe she doesn't count those ones... 3. She left him a few weeks ago and is living in an apartment up the street from the family home. 4. I am debating that very thing...contacting Mr. H (her husband).

OK. About the whole ANNIVERSARY thing: @Red, I am hoping you aren't upset about the misunderstanding. And I am so sorry that you went through such a painful experience. Really, I am.

@Savant: Thanks! That actually cheered me today.

@eloh: I'm a total dork. Grand Torino? Huh? And where did you go 'visiting'? Seriously. 'Splain me, Lucy.

@Alicia: Holy cow. I think that is way more credit than I deserve. But, thanks. Really.

@Johnson: Thanks! Love you!

@Mimi: I think it will. I'm hanging onto that!

@Anne: Well, you know. I emailed you. Thank you for your love for me and Beloved

@WonderWoman: I agree, he is worth it. Aren't we all? But I understand what Red is saying, too. And thank you for that sweet reminder, WW!

@Karen: Glad to have you! And I'm trying, so thank you.

OK, ALL OF YOU!

I LOVE YOU.

Thank you for your comments. Snarky or sweet. Love them all.

And those lurkers out there...yeah, you know who you are...I'd like to point out that I personally know only 4 of these women. So leave a little note. Don't be shy.

Gigi.

Happy Anniversary...To Me.

2009-08-09T00:01:00.000-07:00

Today, Sunday August 9th

it is 12 years that Beloved and I have been married.

On our living room wall is a picture of us on our wedding day.

I wish I could go back in time and...what? Warn her?

NO. I wouldn't change our life together.

And not that I could do anything differently, I don't think,

that would result in him not falling in with her.

Except perhaps, Facebook.

But, then again, FB isn't to blame.

Because who's to say he wouldn't have looked her up on his own someday?

If it's true that he never got over her all these years.

I don't know.

I have to keep going.

Right now I think of going to church tomorrow,

and seeing my friends,

seeing the kids I teach,

and I don't want to get out of bed.

Is that awful?

Yeah. Probably.

I'm just feeling sorry for myself.

And that will get me nowhere.

So buck up, girl.

Don't forget who you are.

You are stronger than this.

And where you aren't strong, God will make you strong.

Look at all He has done so far.

Heartbreak and Homecoming

2009-08-07T20:49:00.000-07:00

I'm home. Drove in late last night. Beloved was at the house waiting for us (I had told him we were coming).

Walking into the home made me feel ill. It felt so empty and cold, though it was probably 80 degrees inside (we have no central air). I was OK seeing Beloved, though I will admit I was nervous to see him. It wasn't that bad. Or would've been easier if I could just shake that weird feeling in my home.

It wasn't until two hours later, as the kids were in jammies and we were reading scriptures as a family and prayed that I realized what the empty feeling was. And I realized it because I felt the moment that it shifted back into feeling like my home. The Spirit had left my home in our absence. It was such a tangible thing when it/he (I never know the right pronoun there) reentered my home. Then I felt peaceful again.

The kids were so excited to see Beloved. But Beloved was even more happy to see them. He would periodically grab the closest child up into a bear hug and not let go for a long while. I must admit I was glad to see it...that he missed them.

We talked after the kids were in bed and before he left. I reiterated that I don't hate him. He said he didn't think that anymore, but that he has thought that. And I asked when and he said when I have hit him or gotten angry at him. I told him that there is a difference between rebuking him and hating him. Then he said that he just thinks I should hate him. And I said, "I think the only person who hates you...is you." Because noone in MY family hates him. Are they disappointed and have their hearts been broken by one they loved, admired and trusted so deeply? Yes. But not one of them hates him.

I asked him if he is happy and he said, "No."

And I asked, 'why not' and he said, "I'm not miserable. Being without the kids was miserable. But. There's just no way I can ever be truly happy again. You can't have everything you want."

To which I replied, "Especially if one of them is a bad thing."

He kind of smirked at that, like he was thinking, 'yeah, i know you think that, but you don't know what i know'.

And then I asked him if he thought his relationship with her is a good thing.

And he said, "What do you mean, 'good'? Is it of God? No. Because I can never have with her what I have with you. (I need to clarify on his behalf that what he meant was an eternal marriage--being married in an LDS temple) But, when you are so miserable and then something makes you happy. Isn't that a good thing?"

So I said, "You were miserable?"

And he said "Yes"

And I asked for how long and he responded, 'for a year and a half, maybe two years'

And I asked him why he never said anything. To which he responded that he tried, or thought he did. Then he felt the need to clarify that he wasn't blaming me for it. Which is good, because I know this isn't about me. And I told him so. He kind of looked funny which made me think he didn't quite mean that he didn't blame me. Just that he didn't want me to feel that he was blaming me. You get the difference?

Then I asked him what made him so unhappy. I could list a handful of things that I think were making him unhappy, but he only pointed to one: his job. Long story short his company is really poorly run and even though he is the best at what he does, they continually screw him over. It gets kind of tiresome to be overlooked continually, or flat-out mistreated. Then he added, 'and then there were things that I felt I should have been getting from home and I wasn't' and then he looked at me and said, again, 'I'm not saying it's your fault'

To which I responded, "Good. Cuz I know that it's not."

And he looked at me (with that weird look again) and said, "you do? good. because I'm not saying that I blame you in any way for this"

But here I must interject "Methinks thou dost protest too much". Am I right? BTW, I know I misquoted that, but just deal with it, people. Back to what I was saying: It sure seems like for someone who 'doesn't blame me' he keeps mentioning it. And even if he doesn't realize he's blaming me, I am pretty sure he is. Because when I said, this:

"And even if there was something I wasn't giving you that you needed, it is still your responsibility as my husband to say something. Because, really, our happiness is kind of our responsibility."

...he looked like he didn't know what to think. Then he said, 'yeah i guess that's true', though unconvincingly.

See, I am pretty sure he compares me to Shannon pretty regularly in his mind. I mean, think about it. If I wasn't giving him what he needed, but she, by virtue of 'just knowing' every morsel of his soul, can give it to him, then it is a failing on my part and therefore MY fault. Am I right?

See, the thing is. I'm not buying into that. I don't think it is my failing at all. Because part of being in a relationship is opening yourself up to that other person. And that takes effort. And that he 'didn't even want to' do that with me...well, that isn't exactly my fault. It's his. Because I'm an open book to him, and I like to think that my heart would have been a safe place to entrust all those 'dark parts' of him that he thought would be so scary to me. Please. I don't think he realizes the things I know about him. There is nothing that he doesn't now know about me, and that is because I trusted him and shared myself with him. Well, maybe that's not accurate to say. Because now he has no idea who I am. Anymore.

OK. So, I'm a little emotional. I think I'm allowed to be right now. I just watched the preview for 'the time travelers wife'. I loved the book. But dangit, the preview just made me cry. I don't know. When she said, "What do you want to talk about? How bad it feels to sit here and wait for you?" I just crumbled.

You see. Before I left, before I took that running leap (I'm sure there will be many more to come) to get away and--I know I keep saying it, but--breathe again--Before I did that he left. He fasted and prayed Sunday and in the end he felt the answer he received was that he needs to know what it is like to live without his kids. When he said it I actually felt good about it. Mainly because I knew I was leaving in just two days...without telling him...and I felt immediately (once he told me he was going to leave that night after the kids fell asleep) that it was better that he did the leaving first. I can't ever let him think that I did the leaving or that I forced his hand in any way. This has to be ALL HIM. His choices.

Anyway. He left that night. Sunday night. In the middle of the night Big Boy woke up and came into my room. I sleep with a body pillow. That night I had shoved it into the bed where Beloved sleeps. When Big Boy came in I shoved it further under the covers and hoped he thougth it was daddy. Then I thought, "how sick is this?! this is what Beloved wants me to keep up until he decides what he wants for real?!" So he knows now that he will be explaining to the kids (in a way that they can understand--and I'll be there) that he is living somewhere else and why.

I'm not looking forward to that. He's out of town visiting his big brother and sister-in-law. They just found out what is going on and are being Switzerland right now. I'm glad for it.

We'll tell the kids Tuesday night. Ugh. Pray for my kids. And me. And him, that we can say the words...those awful words...in ways that they can understand. And pray that it won't crush them.

I don't know what will happen next. How often he can come over. He says he wants to be here every day. But, I don't know that the kids will want to see him every day. I don't know anything right now.

I'm getting nervous and my heart starts to race just thinking of Monday night, having to wait one more time for the kids to fall asleep so that he can creep out of the house.

Because--and now I can't even see the screen to type. Because I don't want to have to keep saying goodbye over and over again. I don't want to have to keep being left. And I feel like watching him leave those few nights that I have had to...just crushes me a little bit more. Is it going to be like this every night until he decides to flee to Cali to be with her? I don't know. I don't want it to feel that way. I want to...not...care, I guess.

And yet, how do I not let it hurt me, and still. be. me?

Texting With The Other Woman

2009-08-06T23:33:00.000-07:00

I almost titled this post 'texting with the devil' but I think that might be overstating things a bit, don't you? ; )

So, as I said in a previous post, I texted with Shannon while we were on vacation.

Since I had taken his phone (again, if you don't remember, see the link to the post above) he said he needed to at least text her so he could tell her to stop texting and calling. I said I'd do it. And I did.

I said, "Hi Shannon, this is [Gigi]. No more texts or calls for a little while, ok? Thanks. Oh, and I'm glad you feel better after the workout."

Now. I don't know if you can see it, hidden as it is, but I am pretty sure I mentioned who was typing the text in the body of the text.

Anyway. The responding text was, "I love you and I miss you!" which I found very flattering, as we have never met. KIDDING. I was like, 'um, can you read?'

SO I responded with, "Like I said, no more texts or calls for a little while. Thanks, [Gigi]"

And she texts back "huh? Is that meant for me?"

And then, I type the first text all. over. again. Which was difficult since his phone and I are not compatible and I can't type as fast on his as I can on mine.

And she says, "This is [Gigi]? Well, OK, does he know you have his phone and are texting me?"

And I answered that yes, he did, that he was right in the room holding Baby Boy (though he did walk out of the room as I was finishing up the text) and he asked me to text her because Sister felt strongly that he could not cheat on me in their home.

To which she responded, "Hmm, yeah. I highly doubt he asked you to do this. I completely respect what you are asking, but unless I hear his voice telling me to stop I'm going to KEEP texting him and telling him I miss him and I love him."

So I just said, "do what you want" because I didn't feel like saying anything else.

Then Beloved, when I told him she wasn't being so nice said, "lets just take out the battery, already!" So we did. I kept the phone, he kept the battery.

The really weird thing about the experience (aside from, you know, texting with my husbands girlfriend) was that I KNEW EXACTLY WHAT SHE WAS GOING TO SAY BEFORE SHE SAID IT. Seriously. I felt the words of each text come into my mind before I even read it.

Weird, right? It was the ickiest kind of deja vu I've ever experienced. Not that I've experienced a great many deja vu of the icky variety. You know what I mean.

OH, and before I get you 'all up in my bidness' (that was for you, BFF and MamaFace!--and all you other Baby Mama fans) about being nice to her in the texts: Yes, I could have said, 'B*&@#, leave him alone. He's with his family, you blankity-blank-blank.' But I DIDN'T. See how I'm a nice person? Who says I'm not nice? I ask you.

Oh, and I also didn't say that because...well, I cannot imagine actually saying that to someone. Ever. Sorry. That's what my big sister is for. ; ) LOVE YOU, SAM!!!

Gigi.

***Um, I am a HUGE dork and realized about 2 minutes ago that I typed my real name in here like 3 times! Hellooo. So much for anonymity. I've changed it now. Sheesh. ***

Quick Note--and Wow! 2 Posts in less than 24 hours!

2009-08-04T13:03:00.000-07:00

After going back and reading some of my recent posts, I am embarrassed by my tone.

Some of the posts sound so...biting, or sassy. Not the cute kind of sassy. The kind where your mom says, 'don't sass me, girl'. That kind. I don't like that at all.

I don't really feel much anger about this whole thing. Some may say that I should feel more. But, I don't. I mean, I DO feel some sometimes, but I really try not to let it grow or fester. Hmm. Grow or Fester. Two very different verbs...both accurate descriptions about what anger can do in our hearts.

Anyway. I guess what I'm trying to say here is, please do not judge me by my most recent posts. I think this 'time to breathe' and 'girl time' has been a little too 'Steel Magnolias' for my blogging attitude. If that makes any sense. It probably doesn't.

But this is how I really feel:

"Beloved, let us love one another: for love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God." 1 John 4:7

I stumbled across this scripture a few weeks ago while teaching the kids at church. Stopped me in my tracks and I had to regain my composure before continuing my lesson...on love and families. I know, right?! Anyway. THAT is how I feel. Not sass. Well, unless you mean the cute kind. ; )

The Story...or most of it.

2009-08-03T23:40:00.001-07:00

So as most of you know, Beloved and I took the kids on holiday for a week to visit family (Beloved's side).

We seemed to get along and have a good time for most of it. Beloved did bring his phone. I wasn't happy about it, but I didn't feel like starting our vacation out with a disagreement, so I didn't push the issue. Which, I think was part of the problem, because, if I don't speak up about something, then Beloved feels it is completely within the bounds of 'what is ok behavior' right now. Or maybe 'to what lengths can I push this' is more like it. Honestly, I don't know.
Back to my story.

So we bounced around from hotel to Beloved's aunt's home, back to Beloved's brother's home for the first three nights. While we were at Auntie's house I sent Big Girl to get daddy so we could say family prayer before bed. She said he was busy on his cell phone. When I asked who he was talking to she said she didn't know and that he had pushed her out of the bedroom and closed the door. So I asked her to go back and tell him that we are waiting. Auntie was right there, so I tried to make it seem like no-big-deal.

When he finally came out to the living room Auntie had left and I asked him if he was talking to 'her' and he replied 'what? no! like I would be that blatant about it and call her from Auntie's home!' And I said, 'no, but you'd be sneaky about it.' Then after a few moments, I said, 'You are going to lose your family' and he said, 'I know.' and then he reassured me that he had not been talking to her, had just been checking his messages.

The next day we went to Brother's house to stay for a few days, just he and I and Baby Boy. The other kids stayed with Auntie.

We got there late and went right to bed. Baby Boy and I slept in the guest bedroom (a twin bed and a playpen--so only room for the two of us), and Beloved slept in the living room on the couch.

The next day I saw that Beloved left his phone in my bedroom. He kept going in there to check it. I know because I kept doing the same. Then late in the afternoon I thought to look at the call history. Yeah.

Beloved had called her in the middle of the night from Brother's living room and talked for over an hour. I was livid.

I confronted him about it. Not my finest hour. I actually hit him. Again. Ugh. I thought that the first time I hit him would be the only time I ever struck him, and yet I did it again. I was so disgusted with him and so angry that I just had no self control. It is something I regret...again.

He wanted me to keep it quiet. Don't make a big deal of it here, we don't need to bring Brother and Sister into it, etc. I walked away and then came back and said that the new rule would have to be that when he was home, the phone lives in my pocket, and why should I hide it from them, they already know what a bastard he's being to me.

I KNOW! I KNOW! This behavior is SO not me! I lost it. There is no explanation other than I could not keep it together any longer. Later, when Beloved reprimanded me for bringing it into their home (besides the fact that he brought it into their home by calling her in the first place--which he acknowledged, but was still angry with me for doing it) I could only say (as sorry as I was--because I was/am sorry) that I've held it together for so long. I just...couldn't...any longer. It all came spewing out like lava. Maybe because it was safe. Maybe because the kids weren't there to hear. Maybe becuase I felt the support of Brother and Sister. I don't know. In any case, I let it be known that he had called her.

Brother took him outside to talk with him. I went back to the room and listened to the voice messages. Some sounded...well, suspicious is all I can say right now. I did promise Beloved not to reveal certain things.

I confronted him again. And hit him. AGAIN. I--I'm sorry. I really am. I'm so sorry.

It was then that I went back into the room and read through the texts. And texted with Shannon. More on that later...another post. **NOTE: I have posted about it now and have inserted a link. Yay, me! I'm learning how to do this blogging stuff! Anyway. Back to the story**

I was sick.

I knew reading that stuff would bother me. It is why I NEVER did it until that night. And, oh, people, WHOEVER is reading this: It was awful. It was then that I found out his plans for LA., and other things that I won't discuss.

But it hurt. So much of it does still. And I just...besides the stuff that was about their feelings for each other, the way he talked about me was like I am this evil woman always looking for a fight. Someone he needs rescuing from. And it hurt me. It did.

Silly, isn't it? That reading his words to her that she is 'the most exquisitely gorgeous woman in the entire world' and that he loves her beyond anything else did nothing to me. Because I know what he feels for her is not truth. But that line of 'Gigi was looking for a fight tonight. You'd be so proud. I didn't give in' cut me deep. There were several texts I read that showed me to be in need of humbling, harsh, mean, etc.

I have shown him patience and love. I have been willing to forgive. I have been supportive and kind.
Have I stood up for myself? Yes. Twice. The times that I have been harsh to him are here for all to see. There have been no others.

It felt like just another betrayal. Small, perhaps, to some. But to me, it felt like...my character is...I don't know. How do I express this? Either he believes those things about me or he is lying about me. Either way is not good. I told him how I felt about it--later, when things had calmed down.
And he told me he realized it wasn't fair to me, but that she wanted so badly to hate me (and i quote, 'anyone in her position would want to, it's understandable') and so he obliges her.

Yeah. That didn't make me feel any better. He apologized and told me he would no longer misrepresent me, etc. I would like to interject here that later when he got home and told her all that was said and after all the texts had been erased, he came back with, 'but you know. i never really misrepresented you. so...' Which makes me think that Shannon talked him into that 'realization' or rationalization...rather.

We talked for a long time that night. I told him then that if he went to LA that...well, you already know.

I felt inspired to challenge him to change his music for a while. Music is really strong and powerful in him. He notices music everywhere and can recognize musical scores from movies he's seen just once. I challenged him to choose music for a while that only helps him feel closer to God and closer to His Spirit. He said he liked that idea, and accepted it.

We talked about so much. Things I really can't recall (it's 1:30 in the morning right now--maybe tomorrow I'll remember).

I do remember telling him that love is of God. And true love would never lead someone to do bad things. What he feels is a perversion of love. It feels real, but it leads only to bad things.

It seemed like a light went on for him at that moment.

It is sad to see how quickly it burned out.

The next day was hard. So hard for me. And the thing I hate most of all is the way Beloved walks around (anytime after we have a long talk or discussion) looking like a kicked puppy. I hate it for two reasons. One, I don't want to see him looking so wounded and forlorn. But, Two (and this is entirely selfish and wrong-thinking--I'm trying to get rid of it) I feel like 'Excuse me? I am the one who is getting screwed over here. I'm the puppy who has been kicked in the belly. Not you.'

I tried to keep it together, to keep from crying the next day. But in the afternoon I needed to go for a walk just so I could let it out. It was then that I decided to leave for a while. I knew I couldn't just sit around waiting till the 25th to find out what his choice would be. And the next day I made my plans.

So that is about it. If I remember more, I'll tell you.

I kept the phone--without the battery--until the night before Beloved went back to work. That's a story in itself. But that one will have to wait. I need some sleep.

I'll have to do the comments later. Sorry.

clarification of the letter

2009-07-30T23:31:00.000-07:00

I actually did email this to him tonight.

And the 'what we discussed' at the end of the letter was the reason that I called him in the first place tonight: He texted me and said he wanted to talk to his kids. I could point out that he said his kids, but I won't ;) Oh, and the fact that he only texted and never bothered to call his kids. Though he says he called and left a message a few days ago. Seriously, that phone is almost always on me, and if not, I check it maybe some would say compulsively. So, NO. You didn't call, Beloved. Tell yourself whatever you want to. Can you tell that the texting thing really irks me?

I feel that he wants to know what it is like to live without his kids (his words, not mine) and I'm giving it to him. Not forever. For a few days/weeks.

He already decided that living without them is worth seeing Shannon in California this last weekend. Because he went. And I clearly explained his choices before I left. He doesn't seem to remember. Right.

Anyway. There is my quick clarification in case there were questions. ANy others? I'll be commenting on comments and answering questions in my next post...or not. See, you never know with me. I still haven't finished telling the story of what happened on our first holiday (again, that was for you, S!).

An Open Letter to Beloved

2009-07-30T23:22:00.000-07:00

Dear Beloved,

I feel like lately when we talk you hear only parts of what I am saying and jump to the conclusion that you understand everything fully.

I feel like I need to clarify a few things.

First of all:
I do not hate you. I repeat. I do NOT hate you. So stop telling me that I do. And stop telling yourself that I do. Because I don't feel that way at all.
I love you. I am very sad for you. I am worried about you. I am disappointed in the choices you are making.

Second:
I am not keeping our children from you forever. You need time to think about what you want and I need time to breathe. I am giving us that.
Of course, you aren't taking advantage of it in a productive way, but I cannot make you cease contact with Sh___ so that you can think through your options in even a semi-clearheaded state.

You seem determined to do this the hard way, and to make your decisions armed with a foggy brain and hardened heart. I cannot change that.
Only you can.
And you so obviously do not want to.

Third:
You said something that bothered me tonight. (Which, to be honest is the reason that I got up out of bed to type this email.)

You said you deserve pain and misery, etc.

That is simply not true. Now...there ARE consequences to your current (and, if you continue...) choices which WILL result in pain, misery, loneliness, self-loathing, etc.
But you do not deserve those things.
Your actions WILL warrant them, and, by choosing the sins, you ARE choosing the consequences.

But YOU...

You, Beloved's Full Name--YOU deserve so much better.

YOU deserve so much more than you are willing to give yourself right now--Than you are choosing for yourself and your family.

Your Father in Heaven wants to give it to you.
Stop being so hell-bent (ha ha! pun intended) on turning away from Him.

I'll think about what we discussed. I'm praying about it, too. I'll let you know what I decide when I decide it.
You have some decisions to make, too. Maybe you should talk to Bishop, while you are at it. As for the blessing Grandpa gave you. Maybe it is time you started listening to it.

Again, LOVE you. NOT hate you. Seriously. Don't you know me?

Gigi

Of Bridges and Wings and Cheaters (Yeah, you heard me!)

2009-07-27T08:22:00.000-07:00

Well, I leaped.

I took my kids and packed up and went to visit some family and friends for a few days. Without telling Beloved. I'm still not home.

It isn't that I won't be going back home. I will. Because I need to start my life already. If it is without Beloved or with him, my kids need a sense of normalcy that only home and school and church and friends can provide them. It is the day to day life that my kids need. I'll give it to them again soon. I just need a little more time to breathe.

So, why would I get the heck out of Dodge when I have been standing by Beloved so staunchly up till now?

Well, it all started while we were on vacation visiting family 2 weeks ago. Gosh, it feels like it was a month ago. Time seems to go so slowly for me somedays.

As I was saying...

While we were on holiday (that's for you, S!), I got into Beloved's phone and read the texts between he and Shannon. There's actually a lot more to this story, but I'll post that another time...maybe.

One of the posts said, 'yes, I can't wait to see you! 13 more days!!'

And I was like, WHAT?!--ok, that was supposed to sound about 2 octaves higher than normal. Just so you know.

And I questioned him about it and he said that she has a softball tournament down in LA and he was going to say that he had a job interview there and go. Now, this just goes to show you how little he knows about me right now because I would SO have looked into that claim and he would have been told to not bother coming back once I realized it was a lie. It actually is what I did tell him. If you go, you won't have a family when you come back. You will not be welcome in our home. I said it calmly (One of the few calm things said that day. It was a BAD day.)

And then made my plans to get away so I didn't have to sit around at home wondering what he would choose.

So when we got home from our trip, I washed clothes and repacked them. I reorganized the travel gear and packed up on Monday. Tuesday I got up, got the kids ready, had a babysitter come and help me pack lunches and the car (I had to take Baby Boy to a doctor's app't so the babysitter was already there) and drove away.

I will admit, I did hope that coming home to find his family gone would be shocking. Was it?

No.

I will admit that I did hope that it would help him realize that his family life that he thinks he can hold onto while living this other life is precious and fragile. Did it?

No.

I will admit that I did hope it would make him think twice about going out on the 25th to be with her. Did it?

No.

So there we are. He is now in LA at some softball tournament (she's a coach--and a middle school PE teacher). He is supposed to fly home on Tuesday morning. Funny how he said weeks ago that work told him he couldn't take ANY time off in the end of July, but somehow when she sends him an airline ticket he jumps and his work can deal with it.

Supposedly he has 'taken precautions' by making sure they have a friend there at all times. You know, so he doesn't become an actual cheater or an actual adulterer. Because what he is doing is by his definition NOT cheating.
I know, right? Anyway.

What gets me is that he didn't really try to talk to the kids or anything. It was like we were gone and he thought to himself, 'score! noone to get in the way of my freedom!' Which is what a teenager would think, so I'm pretty sure that was about the depth of what went through his mind.

I'm not sure if there is a bridge under my feet or wings on my back. But, Saturday I didn't feel either. Today I feel like I can face the day. Maybe not the future. But I can face today. That's going to have to be good enough for now.

We have not spoken since Monday night. And texted only a few times. Those I'll discuss tomorrow.

Tonight, I'm with my BFF.

Gonna watch a movie and giggle like the goofs we are.

Awesome.

Quoth The Raven Tuesday

2009-07-21T23:01:00.000-07:00

Ok, no this isn't a post about Poe. Or birds. I just really wanted a Tuesday theme and I couldn't think of anything and I also wanted to use the word 'quoth' but you can't really use it without 'the raven' for some reason. I think they are all copyrighted together or something. I'm not sure.

ANYWAY...

So, here is something that some wise someone I do not know quoth. (Oh, look! I CAN use it!)

"When you come to the edge of all the light you know
and are about to step into the darkness of the unknown,
FAITH is knowing that one of two things will happen.
There will be something solid to stand on...
or you will be taught how to fly."
Barbara J. Winter

I have that quote up on my kitchen wall. I have been thinking of it a lot these past few weeks.

I keep thinking of that scene in Indiana Jones and the Holy Grail (or whatever that movies is called) where he gets to that big deep chasm and he takes that 'leap of faith' and steps out onto what looks like nothing until he realizes there is a narrow and almost invisible bridge across the gap.

You know that I am trying to follow what I feel God is leading me to do. I feel like I keep taking those scary little first leaps and looking down in surprise to find a bridge where I saw none before.

Today I am taking another of those leaps and praying for that bridge to be there.

Here's to another Indiana Jones moment.

Did I Just Confess to Murder?!

2009-07-20T06:31:00.000-07:00

So, I'm the 2nd counselor in my ward's primary presidency. Primary is the name of the organization in charge of children ages 18 mos through 12 years. It was my turn to teach all the kids a few weeks ago.
We were talking about sinning and repentance and how we thanks to Jesus we can be forgiven of our sins and our mistakes. I explained it in simple terms to the younger group (under 8) with a couple of stories and questions, etc.
But with the older kids (9-12) I was going to add an analogy of sin and liken it to poison. That we can take poison and be sorry for taking it and if there is an antidote take that, too, but the antidote isn't going to take away all the effects (consequences) of having ingested the poison in the first place.
And I had a story about a show I saw on Animal Planet (Thanks, Big Boy!): There was a scientist who wanted to study the effects of a certain kind of poisonous snakebite and so he allowed himself to be bitten and observed by hospital staff and scientists. And he was in excruciating pain almost immediately (bet he was sorry, then!) and they gave him the antidote (repentance/atonement), but it would take several hours to work its way through his system and actually take away all the pain caused by the venom (consequences). See how I did that?
Anyway. I was up there in front of the kids and teachers, talking and talking, and I couldn't think of how to bring up the whole poison idea. This is what I said:

"So, I've been learning about poison, lately..."

And then I noticed two of the teachers (who know of Beloved's and my situation) smirking and trying to keep in a giggle.
Which made ME giggle.
So then I said, "wait, that didn't sound right...."
And then everyone started giggling.
I lost it, I couldn't stop thinking of the idea of me announcing to the kids and teachers in primary that I'm gonna poison somebody (which, I feel compelled to explain that I'M NOT gonna do that to anyone! OK).
Then I tried to stop laughing.
It didn't work. I giggled, the kids giggled, the teachers who know my situation were giggling, too.
Finally I got myself under control and finished my lesson.

Afterwards one of the teachers came up to me and said, "I'm sorry, I could not stop! I just kept thinking. OK, if the police come lookin' I'm going to have to tell them that she confessed it all right in church! But then I'd tell them that I am totally on your side and you were driven to it."

So at least I have someone who'll stand by me. ; )

When Laughter Makes You Want to Cry

2009-07-18T21:55:00.000-07:00

Driving our 9 hour drive to visit family can be an ordeal. So we listen to books on tape (usually Harry Potter) and mixed it up with a little Bill Cosby standup and Brian Regan standup. LOVE them both.

Now, I must admit that I am silly by nature. Well, I'm a lot of things by nature, actually. What I'm trying to say is that I am easily entertained, in that I laugh easily.
I've heard the same comedy routines over and over. The Brian Regan one we were listening to I have heard at least 12 times in the last few months (Big Boy loves that routine). Yeah, I still laugh at everything. And hard.

I was drinking my new 'blueberry pomegranate Propel' (yum) and laughed so hard I had to grab Baby Boy's onesie which had been in my purse (that's another story, but it's not interesting, so I'll just leave it) and mop up the drool that had seeped down my chin...and shirt... Don't judge me. I know I'm not the most elegant woman out there. Sheesh.
Now, here's my bad: I made a mistake and said, (however jokingly) 'oh my gosh, i am such a dork. no wonder you don't like me anymore!'
Beloved didn't like that and said "don't say that!"

I feel like I need to tell you that I didn't like that I said that. I have really begun to like me for me lately. And you know what, I like that I'm a huge dork about certain things. I like that I laugh like I've never heard the joke before. I like that when I watch a movie I forget that it isn't real and that I've seen it several times before and still say something like, "No, don't let her die! Beloved! Don't let her die!" and he (used to) lovingly remind me that she's going to die, but it'll be ok in the end. Yes, I am a dork. I admit it. But, you know what? I like that quirkiness about me. So there.

Oh, but I digress, my dears.

What made me pull out my notepad and write this post while driving (while HE was driving...just in case you were worried) was this:
When his heart was mine--not even so very long ago--if I laughed as hard as I did in the car (with or without the drooling) Beloved would have laughed along, usually harder because I was already laughing, and then sigh a long sigh and say, "Aw, honey, I love your laugh."

Seriously. We were that kind of sick and in love and schmoopy. We always said things like that.

It's just a little something that reminds me--heck, there are probably dozens of things daily that tell me--his heart is not here.

I hate it.
I am selfish and I say, "Damnit, his heart belongs to ME!"

*****
I will say, though, that later we had a good laugh, and the kids couldn't get us to answer them because we had got each other laughing so hard over beefaroni at a fancy restaurant. (brian regan, again). And in those moments, it's good and bad at once, because we feel like us for just a few minutes, seconds, whatever. And then we go back to being who we are right now.

On a lighter note, How many of you did a search for Tony Danza? ; )

I'm back!

2009-07-16T14:03:00.000-07:00

Well, the trip was great in some moments, sucked during others. We argued and I found out some things that I don't want to go into right now...maybe never. I don't know yet. Anyway. I am too tired to actually do a post about the trip right now (we just got in at 7:30 this morning), or what happened or whatever. So I am posting a post that I wrote a while ago but never posted. (Sheesh, how many times in a sentence can one use variations of that word?!?) Why did I never post it? Because I didn't think Beloved knew that I was looking into his phone without his permission. Not that I feel I really did need his permission, but I didn't want him getting mad and blaming me about it after reading the blog. Which he says he hasn't done since he told me he wouldn't. Either way, it doesn't matter. Because here is the post I was holding onto:

Baby did a bad bad thing.

Well, I guess I didn't do THAT bad of a thing. I mean, it may have been a little invasive of privacy, but really, does Beloved deserve privacy or trust of any kind right now?

I didn't think so, either.

Which is why I decided to look in his phone during a rare moment that he put it down and left the room. I have been avoiding doing it. And I know it was Satan trying to get me to do it, and I admit, I totally gave in. I am weak and I am human and I am doing this without a manual, so give me a break. I already feel bad about it. And I paid for it, too.

Because I opened up the phone and I opened up his chat window and there was her little smiley face insignia saying 'available'. (ooh, side note-I have been toying with the idea of going on his account and changing 'available' to read 'married' so it shows up that way on hers. hee hee.)

Would you like to know what her screen name is?

You would?

Oh, I'd be happy to oblige.

It's 'tiny dancer'.

Now. Don't ask me why, but this really ticked me off beyond rationality. I was so irritated. Beloved has never had a nickname for me and this is what he gives to his mistress? I mean, it really bubbled and boiled in me for a while.

But then I got to thinking. Maybe it isn't a nickname. Maybe there is more to it. I mean, could she in fact be a tiny dancer? Who knows, she may very well be a 4 foot 7 choreography wiz!

Or maybe she is just average-sized but dances really tiny steps, like the mini cabbage patch or the teeny roger rabbit or the running toddler instead of the running man.

It has become very perplexing...

Now, it could have reference to the song by Elton John. I did think of that, too. Which irritates me, because about a month ago a friend loaned us the 'american idol sing it' for the wii and he wanted to sing that song several times. Which could just be coincidence. That's what sucks about this, is it pollutes every thing and makes everything seem shrouded with ulterior motives, etc.

OK, back to 'tiny dancer': So, if it does refer to the song by Elton John, then all I can think of when I hear that is "hold me closer Tony Danza", which makes me smile. And so that is how I refer to her in my mind. Tony Danza. Although, I love Tony Danza. I really always wanted him to be my dad when I was a kid watching 'who's the boss'. Such a great show.

But, I mean, really. Doesn't it make you smile to picture my husband going all loopy over this man:

I know it makes me smile. Oh. Word of warning. DON'T do a search for images of Tony Danza without checking the filter. Wow. I didn't know he posed nude....

I don't think I EVER wanted to know that. Though, I will say...Mr. Danza's 'tiny dancer'? Not so tiny.

Short hiatus

2009-07-09T22:08:00.001-07:00

hiatus...did I spell that right?

Anyway. I am taking a short hiatus. Well, not really. I am going on vacation with Beloved and the four kiddos to see some family. I don't know if I'll have web access. Oh, dear, I hope so!

But, in any case, I don't know how much time I'll have, especially without Beloved around so that I can type my posts.

I know, I should have been on the ball like others who do several posts ahead and then schedule them to post themselves...or however that magic works.

I'm not that organized.

I'll be back in a week, if you don't hear from me sooner. Sheesh. I really really hope I can get to a computer!

Interesting Side-effect, or Whoda Thunk?

2009-07-06T16:00:00.000-07:00

Now, I'd like to take a moment to say that all my life I have struggled with self-image trouble.
I know, right? Who hasn't? Very few.

All my life I hated when people complimented my appearance or my looks. Don't get me wrong, I loved it, but I also hated it. I didn't know how to handle it. What do you say when someone says you're pretty or beautiful and you don't agree?

I used to just laugh it off and say, 'oh, yeah...whatever.' or something akin to it. Incidentally I'm not good at taking most any kind of compliments. Just not comfortable with it.

But it really bothered me when boys would compliment me. Especially those I was on a date with or whatever. I remember one time dancing with a boy and saying to him (after he told me I was the b word--not THAT b word! The good one...beautiful) "You don't have to say things like that. I'm already in your arms."

Oh, I know. I am mortified at the lack of self-worth and esteem I had at that time.

I remember when Beloved and I were dating it made me anxious and uncomfortable for him to call me that. Partly because that was who I was and partly because--well, I had seen pics of the girls he had dated and he thought they were beautiful and so, clearly he could not be trusted. ;)

But for most of the last 12 years that he and I have been together, I based a lot of my self-worth and self-image on him and his reactions to my appearance, etc. I didn't always do it. I mean, when he would tell me I was beautiful while I was wearing a pair of jeans and a t-shirt and no makeup and my hair just in a ponytail or not even brushed (oh, c'mon, what moms haven't had that kind of day?!) I had a hard time believing it. And when I dressed up for a date or just no occasion at all and he didn't notice or say that he noticed, I took it badly.

But slowly I have noticed in the last month that this infidelity of Beloved's has caused me to think of myself as separate from him (and let's face it, he barely looks at me now, anyhow).

I get myself ready in the morning and look at myself in the mirror and put on my makeup--or don't put it on--for me.

I look in the mirror and I like what I see, makeup or no. Clothes or no.
I've decided that I like me for me.
I'm a good person. Or try to be.
I'm a good friend. Or try to be.
I'm a good mom. Or try to be.
I'm a good wife. Or try to be.

But you know what? I'm a good me.

I may have still 30 lbs to lose, but I've lost 35 in the last few months.
And I'm ok with giving myself several more months to lose it.

I look at my body and I think "OK, It's not perfect", but I see the scars of each of my four pregnancies and how could I not love the part of me that housed those perfect babies of mine?

And my breasts aren't the pert little perky things they were 12 years ago, but they have given sustenance (and still are giving sustenance to baby boy) to all four of my children in their first year or so of life.

My face has changed. My eyes have little lines around them when I smile or laugh, but aren't I blessed that I've had that many opportunities to laugh and smile?

It's me.
It's good.
I like it.

To me, I'm beautiful.

Whether Beloved notices or not.

Wednesday night...

2009-07-03T16:25:00.000-07:00

**once again, please ignore the spelling and grammar mistakes. thanks.**

So...

Turns out he cannot live with that.

We went on a walk (Bishop prescribed) last night and I told him that the phone needs to be off of him when he is home (because it was in his pocket the whole time after getting home....HELLO, I thought we went over this the day before!) I consider that talking to her, if he is keeping it in his pocket to text her whenever he isn't in the same room as me. I don't think I'm being terribly unreasonable here. But he said that he cannot live with that.
So. He has decided that there are only two scenarios he can live with.

One: That he lives here with his family, but has the freedom to call her whenever he feels like it.

I cannot live with that one. It isn't right.

Two: He leaves and finds a little place to live and goes to work and comes home to me and the kids and then when they go to sleep he goes back to his little place to sleep.

I don't like it, but he has already chosen that one.

I tried to help him understand that he is just leaving by degrees but he doesn't see it. And he doesn't see that leaving us IS abandoning us. He sees it as only giving himself freedom to call her. He says his choices are only leading him closer to her. I tried to explain to him that if they are leading him closer to her, that means they are leading him to divorce and (say it with me) abandonment of his family. He cannot see it. He says as long as he is still providing a roof over our heads and food for our table he is not doing anything of the kind. I told him, that it is abandonment and he would have said so, too, before he started doing all this.

I explained to him that if that all happened, then what? If I remarried I'd want to be sealed to my new husband (which totally unconcerned him, he was like 'so?') but I'd also want my children to be sealed to me and my new husband because it's only fair to them that they have a mother and a father. He said he didn't think he could live with that. But it is a possibility he needs to think about.

I told him, he needs to think about what he is doing and the consequences. All of the consequences. And that Bishop was right. He needs to Man Up. (actually, Bishop said grow up, but I say man up...same diff)

He thinks that he will still be an ideal father from a distance. He thinks the kids won't know he is gone. He's such a fool. I told him, he's already being selfish. As he leaves he's just going to keep getting more selfish and pretty soon he won't be coming over every day. It'll be less and less. He compared himself to my dad and said he's a better father and he'll make sure the kids feel loved and taken care of.

We talked for a long time last night. Maybe hours. I don't know.

He keeps talking about repenting of his sin later. Because he's choosing to do it now, but with the knowledge that he'll just take care of it later.

I reminded him that in the temple, he didn't make a covenant to me. We each made a covenant with God. There were no promises made to me. And I told him, Are you willing to break a covenant you made to Him?

And he stood there thinking for a few minutes and then he said. "yeah. I guess I am."

I said "You are? That's so sad...What makes a person do that?" Here, I was in tears, because I hurt for him.

He smiled and said, Well, I guess Satan.
And I said, And you're choosing Satan?
And he looked at me like I was crazy. And I said, "you are willingly choosing to follow Satan?"
And he said, no, I'm choosing to get closer to HER.
And I asked, who do you think put her in your life again?
And he looked at me dubiously, and said, if it was Satan, then that means God allowed him to "tempt" me, and why would He give me something that I couldn't say no to?
And I said, He didn't. You CAN say no to it.
ANd he said, but I don't want to. WHy would he make it something I couldn't say no to?
And I said, Of COURSE it has to be something you want. Otherwise why would anyone fall into temptation?
He didn't like this and said he was tired of the preaching and pandering.

One of the kids came in--I don't remember who.

So when they left I said, Beloved, what do you think I'm fighting for?
And he answered, "I know what you're fighting for!"
ANd I said, so tell me.
ANd he said, for our family...and for our marriage. and he started to tear up but got himself back in control.

But I lost it. I couldn't keep my cool anymore.

I started crying and said, "you don't know anything. you have it all wrong. I am fighting for SIX SOULS, here. I am fighting for yours, because you aren't willing to do it for yourself, and I am fighting for four little souls back there! I am fighting for the here and now, but I am fighting for Eternity! I am fighting becuase those children were sent here to do a great work and for a great purpose but they can't become those people if we aren't together. They need BOTH of us. They need a mom and dad who will teach them what is right and lead them and love them and all those things that you cannot do if you are gone. Satan wins. Satan wins by tearing us apart. Satan wins so much more than you if you go."

Then I made a mistake. And I really regret it. But I said, "I want you to get Angry! I want you to fight! I want you to fight for something more than yourself! You aren't willing to fight for yourself or your children you are just giving in to this and I just hate you!"

And I slapped him.
And he put his hand up and I slapped him again.
And I said, 'don't you block my hand you deserve everything I give you!' and I slapped him again.
I am so sorry I did. I love him and never wanted to do that. I just...this apathy he has is so insidious. It started out so small, but it has grown and it will only continue to grow until it has consumed him. That makes me crazy...crazier than the hurt I feel for how he treats me.

I walked away, but came back and said he needs to think about something more than his crotch (here I actually did worse and grabbed it and squeezed enough to hurt--I'm so sorry.)

And he said, 'is that what you think i am doing?!"
And I said, yes, it's what you are doing. You think you are following your heart?! Your heart is deceived... You need to start thinking about someone besides yourself. You need to start caring about your family. You say that you love us and if you didn't you would be gone. But if you loved them, you wouldn't be doing this. This isn't love. This is covering your ass."
To which he replied, 'how?!"
ANd i said, "you are so concernend with what people might say about you! this is you saying 'look i'm a good dad, i'm still providing for them, see, it's not that bad.' If you loved them, you'd do what was right by them. "
And he said, I do love them!
And I said, yeah. well, not enough.
And he said again, 'i love them'
and I said again, 'not enough to do what's right by them'

And he sat for a long while at the foot of the bed. And I said. "I am sorry for hitting you. I love you and never wanted to hurt you. I hope you can forgive me. I just. This apathy you have in your life just makes me crazy."

And he said, "what apathy?!" So I tried to explain that he just slowly is falling into it. Things that he would never entertain the thougth of, he suddenly is now, like, "well, i guess it's ok, let's just see..."

We sat for another while and I told him "Beloved, I love you. And I hate seeing you unhappy. I just-gosh, I am so sick. I hate seeing what this is doing to you. But you don't know what the future holds. You don't know. And maybe at the end of this life maybe you can have her in the eternities, and if that's what God says is right, and if she is worthy to be your Queen, than I guess I'll step aside, (at which point he looked up hopefully) but in THIS life--In this life, you have to stick to the Queen you chose. (and he looked down again, despondant--you know, which makes me feel real great...but at the same time, I really know he is deceived, so I cannot let it hurt me)."

He then made the argument that if he stayed. If he did what was right by his kids. He would never be happy, and it would all be a lie, and I would be unhappy too. And I asked if he would TRY to be happy. And he said, "I wouldn't be happy" And I said, that's not what I asked, I asked if you would TRY to be happy with us. And he said, sure, I could try, but it would never work, so why bother. I felt (and said so) that he was more concerned with his own unhappiness than with that of others (myself). And he agreed that it is the biggest part of it.

He asked me again if I could live a life like that.

And I told him, "I know that...this life is hard. And there are parts about it that just...suck. But I know, I know that if we just do what we came here to do, if we keep our covenants and our promises to Heavenly Father, and I don't just mean the marriage covenant, I mean all the little things, like praying to him in our hearts all day long, and in our closets and secret places, if we read our scriptures, if we do the right things, He will make it right. If we do what is right? If we do those things? How can we not be blessed? Won't the windows of heaven be opened to pour out those blessings upon us? I know there have been times in your life when you have felt those blessings. Times when you didn't feel worthy of them...
And I have so much faith in what Joseph B Wirthlin said in that conference talk. He promises the righteous that the tears of sorrow over loss that we feel now will be rewarded and multiplied with tears of rejoicing. And I know that if we sacrifice. If you give up something good or great for something eternal...Won't he make it all right? Won't he bless us with something greater? But the problem is You don't believe Him when He says what he Says. You don't believe He will do what He says He will do. You've gotta believe that it can happen. You have to have faith in Him."
He closed his eyes and teared up a little. I decided to let him alone.

In the middle of the night I woke up becaues I could feel him stirring and shifting beside me. He couldn't sleep.
I told him Big Boy (10) prays every day that he won't leave us. And if he does (leave us), Big Boy will be the first to know, and the first to stop believing (in God, prayers, etc.).

I told him, there was a time that if someone stole into the house to hurt us, he'd fight to the death. But now, he's not only opened the door, he's rolled over and said, 'do what you want with them, so long as i'm ok'.
He said, 'not being here to protect my family weighs heavily on me'

So he missed the point of that. Because I was talking about how he's letting himself and Satan just tear us all apart.

And I asked him (a while later, since I couldn't sleep either) if hurting his children, breaking their hearts and their faith is worth an hour more a night or an hour more every few nights to talk to her.
And he said, "then let me stay and talk to her all I want"
And I said, (very calmly) "This isn't me doing this to you. You are choosing it. So don't treat me like I'm the mom and you are the 16 year old kid who isn't getting to do what he wants. And who has to run away so he can get it."
He said, "you're right" and rolled over.

During our talks last night I tried to help him see that the heartbreak that the kids will feel (because he keeps talking divorce) is not avoidable. They will feel it. And it isn't a BYPRODUCT of divorce. It is the choice that he is making that WILL RESULT in those feelings, and in essence it is him choosing to bestow them upon four little people. He said, "yeah. I guess that's true. But..." and I don't remember EXACTLY what he said there, but it was something having to do with being unwilling to give her up. or unwilling to give up the freedom to talk to her whenever he wanted to.

Last night I was sick sick sick with worry and panic and fear.

But this morning I feel like it is good. I think if he had made the decision to go two nights ago (when I told him not to talk to her), he could blame me for forcing him out of the house. He needed to come up with his plan the next morning at work (which is what he told me he did) so that he can know it is him choosing it.

So I guess we'll see where this goes

I felt all along that he would have to leave before he could return and be the man he needs to be.
I just....well, I guess I hoped that it wouldn't come to that. I didn't want to go through that heartbreak and hard work. I know, I am totally weak and lazy, but it's true. But, I know that Heavenly Father is mindful of us and He is holding me and the kids together. And I pray that he is holding Beloved together inasmuch as he can when one doesn't want it.

Pray for my kids. They know something is up and they will very quickly (despite Beloved's beliefs) realize it when he leaves. They will need the spiritual buoying up that only He can provide.

Pray for my husband. I don't know what he needs, but Heavenly Father does, and only He can place the people, events, whatever, in his path to lead him back home.

If you like, I'd like prayers for me, too. Because this is harder than I thought. And I am just hanging on some moments. And, right now I am scared. I feel like Heavenly Father set this in motion and I just need to see it through. But, I just...I don't want to get to the other side of this and Beloved not be by our sides. I just. Can't see life like that. I just. I don't know.
So, I have to keep my faith in what Heavenly Father promised me. And wait for Beloved's return.

I am sorry that I hit him and manhandled him. I am sorry if I offended any of you by doing so. Because I really don't know what came over me, and I know I just gave into anger and gave into Satan. And we can't have both Beloved and I giving in to him. I am sorry if I am not doing everything right. I am trying. I promise, so please have a little mercy toward me if you can. If I could make him love me and our kids the right way again, I would. But he has to find us again all on his own. Which stinks.

_________________________________________________________________

OK. So that is what I wrote and had ready for posting. But after Thursday night, I am not sure what is happening now.
He came home and acted like nothing happened. He put his phone on the dresser and never picked it up again until this afternoon. I got myself ready for bed after getting the kids in bed and fully expected him to say, 'ok, well, see ya', but instead he got undressed and got in bed. (I was already in bed trying to fall asleep) Then he woke me up and said he needed to go for a walk and I said, ok, be careful, and he thought I said don't take the phone (I know, they sound very similar when spoken by a groggy woman) and he said "I'm not taking the phone!" (not yelling, just vehemently.) And I said, "ok, I didn't say that. I said be careful." and he said, "oh. ok" and he left and was gone for, like an hour and a half. (I had already fallen asleep, but this morning I woke up with him beside me and asked what time he came in)
I don't know what's going on.
I need to talk to him about it without being like, "Dude. I already mourned you leaving, now you aren't? What's going on?" Because I DON"T want him leaving. I just am really confused.
Especially after spending the most of yesterday in tears, and then he comes home and acts like he never told me he was moving out.
o.
k.

Two nights ago...

2009-07-02T11:55:00.000-07:00

This is waht happened Tuesday night. I'll tell you the rest tomorrow. Please ignore grammar and spelling problems. I don't care enough to fix them right now. Thanks.

Also, I commented in the post below. Thanks for all the comments.

He came into the bedroom where I was reading in Romans and he said he was going to go for a drive to call her. I said why and he said because he told her he would so I said, well, it's good you keep your promises. I know, snarky, but I couldn't help it.
Then we talked for a few moments and I was SO MAD that I wanted to grab him by the throat. I really had to stop and just sit there on my bed and pray for several minutes until the feeling went away. And once I felt peaceful I stopped and guess what happened?
I looked at him and knew I had to say no. And I said it so nicely. Seriously, I could feel the peace all through my countenance. He looked flabbergasted.
He asked what I meant by no, and honestly I didn't know what I meant I just knew I had to tell him and so when he asked I said, I don't know yet, I guess we'll just have to see.
he didn't like that. It made him stop to think.
He was like, "I need to know if it is the difference of sleeping on the couch or sleeping in my car" And I said, I don't know. Because, I tell you I really didn't know. As I was saying it, I was (in my head) panicking, thinking, oh my gosh. What am I doing? What if he just leaves? But I knew that the powerful peacefulness I felt was the spirit and I knew that I had to say what Heavenly Father wanted me to say. The sad thing is, I was totally planning on letting him go call her. But I knew at that moment what I had to say and do. not a moment sooner.
So after a long while he decided he was going to go.
And I said, so you've made your choice?
I told him several times, that the choices he is making are leading him to an end he will not like. And so after I asked if he has made his choice he said, "well, yeah. I know it's a gamble, but I'm going to take it."
So i looked him directly in the eye and said, "it's not a gamble. It's a choice"
And he said 'well, if i don't know what the consequence is, then it is a gamble" and I said no it isn't, it's his choice. because (well, like I said above, his choices are leading him to nothing good)
I want to make it clear, here that I totally remained calm and peaceful during the whole 20 + minute conversation. Well, not so much conversation all the time. There was a lot of quiet thought going on. I let him think as long as he wanted to.
So then I asked him if he could live with any of the consequences. and he said no, there are some that he could not live with. and I said, oh.
Then he sat down again and was quiet for a moment. Then he said, what are you telling me? He really wanted me to spell it out for him, and frankly I didn't know until the words were coming out of my mouth WHAT I was going to say, but here it is:
I felt like I had to say, Well, you can call her and tell her that you aren't going to talk tonight, but you aren't leaving this house to do it.
And I told him that if he leaves he is making a choice. It comes down to what do you want more? He can go and call her and talk to her or he can stay and be a part of this family.
I said I'm your wife and I'm asking this of you right now.
Then he was like, "are we going to go through this again in a few days when I want to call her again?" and I said, we'll just have to see.
But then I said, if you want to call her from work and waste your time and not be a good worker, that's your thing.
But when you get home, you are MY husband. And the Father of MY children.
Then I told him (later) because he was like, "so now you aren't ok with me calling her from home. How much longer till you aren't ok with me calling her from work?" And I just answered 'I don't know" which is true. Heck I didn't know I was going to tell him "no" until it just HAD to come out!
So he sat for a long time. And then he said he was going to leave the room and get water. And I could hear him pouting.
He was walking pouty and stuff. He acts a lot like a teenager.
So then he came back and I just kept reading my scriptures (which is what I was doing when this all started ) and I think it was my calm peacefulness that unnerved him.
I think he realized I meant business.
Though I have to tell you, again: I knew it was all the Lord directing me, because I thought, what the heck? If he leaves I'm going to have to do seomthing and I don't have any idea what. But I knew if it came to that the Lord would show me what to do next.
But he still tried to push it. He was all, "I'm going to go for a walk, just a short one to call her." and I was like, "ok, anything else?" and I could tell he was like 'crap'. SO then he said 'well, I'm not going to call her. I'll tell her I am not. I'll text her."
I said, "that's your choice. I'm being pretty nice about this, here. So you can tell her that you aren't talking, but you'll do it from this house."
ANd he sat for a while longer and said, 'does the garage count?' and immediately he was like, 'ok, no, i was kidding'
Which i wanted to laugh at, but didn't. THen he got up and texted her in the living room. As he was leaving I said, "oh, and you can't refer to me as the 'b' word". I was TOTALLY joking, but he was really offended by it. Whatever. (see, I'm a total b word)

What is WRONG with me?!?

2009-06-30T15:46:00.000-07:00

Seriously.

Beloved has a softball game every Monday night. I think his company has the team, or maybe it's just a bunch of his coworkers. Anyway. I was there as usual, cheering him on, and cheering on his team when it just hits me:

I am head-over-heels, butt-crazy in love with this man.

Still.

I watched him out there in the field, the way he jiggles his legs when he's anxious. The way he moves his arm when he's waiting for the hit. The funny hunch he has when he just starts to walk. The way he runs, and when he stops he shifts his feet the same way every time. The same two flicks of his wrist that fix his shirt when it's hanging funny. The way he licks his top lip when his mouth feels dry.

And I knew each one before it came. I knew before he did any of them what to expect.

It's like...

...like watching those well-known, well-loved parts of your favorite movie:

You know when to expect them, and then when you see them, even when you've seen them a thousand times, they still make you smile.

Gosh. Am I so pathetic or what?

The other night after being...together. I told him, "I love you now as much as I ever have done. Nothing you have done has diminished that." And he said, "I know. You're too good to me."

To which, at the time, I didn't respond. But now I am thinking, "YEAH. I am too good to you!" But, what can I do? It's the way I feel...

How did I become one of THOSE women? I never thought I'd do these things. I always swore I'd kill him. Or chop something off. Or at the very least take the kids, leave and never look back. But...just...none of the 'typical' or 'normal' reactions feel right.

**sigh**

Where is my Clarence?

2009-06-26T23:09:00.000-07:00

One of my (and Beloved's) favorite movies to watch during the holidays is "It's a Wonderful Life"
I keep thinking of the beginning of the movie. The very beginning. You know what I'm talking about...you hear all these prayers floating up to heaven on behalf of George Bailey.
I just keep thinking of that. I can't get it out of my head. I feel like if I could just get enough people to pray for my George Bailey. If I could get a village to pray for Beloved--I think a miracle could happen for him.
So--am I seeking a Clarence?
Am I to be Clarence?

But I need somebody
something
soon.
Because I feel like my George Bailey has already crashed his car and is on the bridge contemplating jumping to the icy water below.

Who knew lotion could be yummy and icky all at once?

2009-06-24T11:46:00.000-07:00

One of the things that stinks about this whole mess is that everything (and I do mean EVERYthing) seems to be laden with double meaning or ulterior motives. I really hate it.

For example:
Bath and Body Works (BBW--to save further typing) was having/is having a great sale. I decided I was going to go partake of said sale and purchase some yummy soaps/lotions/etc. I told Beloved I was going to leave the kids and go over there for a few minutes. Suddenly he looks interested and says, "Where is there a BBW around here?" Now, my husband would never care where there is a BBW before. Which made me look at him suspiciously and say, "Why? Do you need me to pick up something for you?" And he looked at me and said, slowly, "Noo. I like their soaps, though. Could you get some of those?" And I said yes and left. Because all I could think of was that Shannon had said that she likes BBW and he thought of it when I said it and then he decided he'd swing by and pick up something for her. Now. That may all be in my head. And probably is. But it is all I could think about while I was out.

I bought some new lotions I had never tried before, but which I liked very much and some soaps and a car freshener for Beloved's car. In case you were wondering...

ANYWAY. So the next day I was wearing the new lotion and sitting beside Beloved and he turns and says, "What is that lotion you are wearing?" And I said, "why? you don't like it?" And he said something like, "no it smells really good" or "no, I like it a lot". Then he re-asks "What is it called?" Which really creeped me out. I didn't want to tell him the name of that lotion I was wearing because all I could think then was, "Ew. Don't be weird and send your mistress lotion that you smelled on me and liked."

Funny story: Beloved dated a girl before me for 2 years and at one point in their relationship she bought him and her brother the same cologne. She said she just thought it was so sexy.

Yeah. I know. Gross, right? So, that is all I could think of.

There are lots of little things like that which make me a little crazy. Am I doing it to myself? Maybe. Though, I do think he is a little *cuckoo-cuckoo* (not right in the head) right now and doesn't quite know what is appropriate behavior and what isn't and therefore wouldn't put it past him to be doing or thinking these weird things.

What do you think?

Back again

2009-06-23T08:41:00.001-07:00

I know I said I'd post Thursday, but frankly I didn't yet have a decision on if I would continue posting. You see, I have a lot to say. I have a lot I'd like to share, but how to do it without making Beloved look worse? I mean, don't get me wrong, this is a true and accurate representation of what is happening, being said, etc. But, well, any person having an emotional affair on his/her spouse is going to look bad. Because it is. Bad.

I liked one of comments from the last post, and I don't know if you all read it, but I'll post it here now so that it can get read. I will be back again soon. Probably tomorrow. Oops. There I go again, setting a deadline for myself. I'll see if I can reach it. ;)

The article posted in the comment is as follows:

Dear Abby: The Other Woman regrets marrying man she cheated withBy Dear Abby

DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to "The Other Woman, Anywhere, USA." Please tell your readers if they find themselves in her shoes, they should RUN in the opposite direction. My husband, "John," and I both left our spouses to be together. It has been 10 years, and I regret leaving my ex-husband every day. I traded a wonderful marriage for an obnoxious, self-absorbed, arrogant man. John paid for his daughter's wedding reception with money from our joint account. John went alone. I was "forbidden" to attend.My "soul mate" usually forgets my birthday, and one year he also "forgot" Christmas. If only I could turn back time. I find myself praying for the end of time and realize I'm probably getting what I deserve.- Living With Regret

DEAR LIVING: You letter is a reminder that there is dignity in being alone and filling one's "down time" with good friends and helping the less fortunate. As I expected, "Other Woman's" letter generated a ton of mail. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "The Other Woman" was 100 percent right on. I was once in love with a married woman and won her heart. I thought, "All's fair in love and war," and had little regard for her husband. Then I met him.When I looked into his eyes, I knew what I was doing was wrong and bad karma. Here was a human being with a soul, who loved and trusted his wife, who was true to his marriage vows and trusted her to be true, too. Spiritually, it was an important and painful lesson. My advice to married people having an affair is to ask yourselves how you would feel if you were being cheated on. Do the right thing. Honesty and integrity matter.- Former Other Man, Anywhere, USA

DEAR ABBY: I was the other woman for six years. It has taken me a year to realize how unhealthy the relationship was for me. Not only did it damage my self-esteem, but the guilt became unbearable. I wish I could go back and undo what I have done. Luckily, I now have someone who cares about me and accepts me - flaws and all - and loves me for who I am all the time, not just one or two hours a week.- Wiser Now in Virginia

DEAR ABBY: I was the other woman. Over time I have come to understand that I believed what I wanted to believe because I was lonely, needy and vulnerable. I learned as time went on that my lover was incapable of developing a mature, responsible and meaningful relationship. I experienced the calamitous consequences emotionally, psychologically and financially - as did our child. Through counseling, friendships and networking with other women and getting to know myself in a rigorously honest way, I became too healthy to be the other woman. I'm now in the marriage I always dreamed of to a man with character and heart, who is devoted to me and "our" child. I learned that the right man would find me when I became the person he was looking for. It wasn't easy, but it was worth it.- Finally Fulfilled

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for the letter from "The Other Woman" and your reply. I have been divorced 12 years and involved with a married man for more than a year. The affair has been lonely, degrading, unfulfilling and a real self-esteem buster.Your answer reminded me of what I have always known. Because of it, I have decided to end my affair and get back into the real world. I hope "Other Woman" wakes up and does the same. And soon. -- GRATEFUL IN ALABAMA

How to Save a Drowning Man and other things...

2009-06-16T05:34:00.000-07:00

Please Note: This post is educational as well as...whatever else it usually is...

I feel I need to make a confession here, today:

I am not perfect.

I know, I know. I can hear all of you out there gasping with shock. I'll wait while you get yourselves a paper bag and regain your composure.
.
.

.
.
.
Better?

Ok, so allow me to continue:

Example 1: Beloved and I were talking Saturday, and I remembered a little lie that I believed and it just got under my skin. And I let it fester there. I know. I'm not proud of it, but it is true. And then I nursed that festering wound instead of praying it away like I had been doing until then. I know...

So by bedtime, my mind was so unsettled, that instead of doing what I told myself--and God--I would do...(that I would only try to talk to him about our situation when I felt the Spirit prompting me to do so.) I went ahead and talked. It didn't go well. And I felt awful. I nagged. I did. I nagged him to go to church Sunday for the whole service. I'm not proud of it.
I know why I did it.

And I as I told a certain smartest-woman-in-the-world in an email, Sometimes I just feel like I'm trying to save a drowning man who keeps throwing the blasted float-on-a-rope back.

And then I thought about it and, you know, that's kind of like the the Savior. We can lead people to Christ, but we can't make them partake of His sacrament or His Atonement and forgiveness. We can only offer it to them.

Then I found this article online. It explains that jumping into the water to save someone is the WORST way to do it, and why. So, in the spirit of learning and summer and metaphors, I'll summarize for you:
Reason#1- A conscious drowning victim is most likely panicking. It is amazing the strength a panicked person will have.In their swinging and struggling, you are likely to get knocked out. (amen, brother!)
Reason #2- The victim's fight for survival may make you a victim.For some strange reason, when a person is drowning, he often does not recognize that you are trying to help him. (right!)The victim will use any and all means to propel his body to the surface, which may mean pushing you down to push themselves up.
Drowning Rescue Step One- Decide if the person is within an arms distance of you. Lie down and scoot as close to the edge of the pool as possible, while still maintaining leverage. Reach out to the person while yelling, "Grab my hand!" It may take a few seconds, so don't panic if they don't hear you or see your hand right away. If they are within reach, they will most likely see it eventually. (Reach out to them, and let them know it!)
Drowning Rescue Step Two- Find something long that the person can grab on to. Repeat step one (lay down and reach), but this time, hold tight onto the pole. (Couldn't help thinking about faith, hope, God as being the something to hold onto)
So, there. Hope you learned something about Water Safety!

Example 2: Beloved found this blog and read some of it. And to be honest, my emotions were mixed. My first instinct was to be angry, then I felt sorry for him, because it hurt his feelings to read some people's opinions of him. Then I got irritated again and let him know it. And I'm not happy I did.

I told him that I didn't think it was very fair that he gets to read and know all my thoughts, all my feelings about this, and he doesn't even tell me one. And he goes and calls Shannon and tells her everything and he doesn't owe her crap. I know. On some level, it felt good to finally say something snarky, but I didn't like the way I handled it.

And as I thought on it more I realized, I don't care if he reads this. He is my h-u-s-b-a-n-d. He has every right to know my thoughts and feelings and concerns. Especially about this.

But...
I decided that I'm going to take a few days off of blogging. Well, at least of publishing them. I told him I'd stop, but he said I needed to have an outlet and support. But, if he is embarrassed or hurt by the things I am posting...well, I just can't be the thing that hurts him more.
Does that make sense? Well, I hope it does. So, give me a few days to decide what I'm going to do.

I'll post again on Thursday.

A few notes

2009-06-14T08:10:00.000-07:00

First of all:

About the comments: Thank you ALL for the comments, both supportive and not-so-much. I love to read them. You can always email me, the link is there in my profile. Or right here: gigi_hec@yahoo.com There have been some questions about my identity and such. So if you know me personally, I ask that you don't reveal Beloved's and my situation to others who know us as well. Those who don't know us personally, do whatever you like! ;)
Second of all:

In response to comments about that last post: I would LOVE to actually do something with that thing, but it is a work phone, provided by work and paid for by work. So I probably shouldn't throw it under a truck.

And I am glad you enjoyed my dance. I enjoyed it for the 3 seconds it took before I felt that response to it and decided it wasn't a good idea to tease Satan.

And no he has not been to see the Bishop. He says he knows that he'll just be told to stop talking to her and he doesn't want to do that. I know that is part of the truth, but let's face it. When one is doing wrong, one doesn't want to be TOLD what is right.

It's like when my niece was on drugs, she didn't want to hear that she was screwing up her life, flunking out of school, burning up her brain cells on everything she could find. She couldn't hear it and certainly didn't want to hear it. Because she knew what it was doing to her. She just cared more about how it made her feel to get her fix, than what it was doing to her.

This is like that. In a lot of ways.

And I worry about him so much. I can't even worry about anything else.
He is so hard on himself.

It makes me think: For a long time (I'm talking years) he would get down on himself for some small, teeny-tiny failing and say that he is 'just like his dad'. I'm afraid it is like the self-fulfilling prophecy. You know, you tell yourself something for so long that you are MAKING it be true. When it doesn't have to be.

See, I don't think he realizes that he is a different person.
He is a good father. His dad wasn't.
He makes sure his wife feels loved. His dad didn't.
He makes sure to spend time with all his family. His dad kept to himself for the most part.
etc., etc.

The great thing about NOT being the same person, is:

Beloved can choose to be who he wants to be!

He can choose to be like his Dad and give up all that he believes in and holds dear (as well as those who love him and hold him dear), OR he can choose to be the man God--and I--know him to be.

The thing is, being that person isn't instantaneous. It takes time, but with his guilt having hung over his head for so long, how could he ever become that man?

This is such a good thing for him to deal with right now.
I just need to have patience.
I have enough faith in him.
I know he has the strength.

I think right now he needs to have just the Hope that things can get better. And the desire to step away from the fog that is surrounding his mind and heart.

So often I see him and I wish I could just grab him and soak up all those awful feelings that are keeping him down and just give him whatever it is he needs to get back up again. But I am realizing that he needs to do it for himself.

Which sucks.

On my mind

2009-06-12T12:20:00.000-07:00

How is it possible to hate an inanimate object so much? I tell you what, Beloved has a TMobile Wing. Oh my gosh. I just uploaded the image onto the blogger page. And my stomach just lurched...

I have such a visceral reaction whenever I see that thing. I know IT isn't the source of our problems, but it is what he uses to IM her and text or call her (when he isn't at work--there he skypes her). Truly, I have to talk myself through walking past it, or choosing not to notice it. Because my immediate response is to snap it into pieces and chuck it under a truck.

Beloved has it with him ALL the time. Months ago he would take that thing off as soon as he came home. I noticed that he was always with it and checking it before, but now. Ugh. He is compulsively checking it, touching it, etc. I don't think he realizes he is doing it, either. He thinks he is being so 'respectful' to me by 'not doing it in front of me'. But he just happens to need to run out to the garage for a while and come back with nothing but his phone. And he just 'has to check an email from his boss'. And he checks and re-checks it before bed. And then checks it as soon as he gets up.

Now, anyone can see that he can't make any clear-headed decisions with that thing...and Shannon...always within a finger's reach. But, I think he knows that. He doesn't want to make any clear-headed decisions. He knows what is right. He just doesn't feel like doing it right now.

It saddens me all the more, because he holds onto that thing like it is a lifeline, instead of the flaxen cord that it is.

I was thinking about him yesterday. Satan, I mean. And how he leads us around with that flaxen cord that starts out sooo light, and sooo fine that it almost invisible until it becomes a giant rope around our necks.

And I got mad and I said, "Stupid Satan!" And then, because I'm a little bit perverse, I did a little dance and sang "I have a bod-y and you-u do-on't!". But just as quickly I imagined his response, as he shakes his own tush and sings "I've got your hus-band and you-u do-on't!"

But, I pray he doesn't have him for long.

Seriously, people. He is...so...wonderful, and good, and loving, and...worth fighting for.

Our children are worth fighting for.

What we have/had is WORTH FIGHTING FOR.

We have

eternity

and truth

and God on our side.

The family is ordained of God. (The Family: A Proclamation to the World) Anything that would tear you away can only be of Satan.

I just, don't know how to help him see what he has known all of his life.

Sunday

2009-06-10T16:44:00.000-07:00

Sunday was a very good day. I had church hymns on the entire day as we got up, ate breakfast, etc. Baby Girl ( 4 ) sat beside Beloved as he prepared his lesson for the ward missionary class. --Now I think I need to interject here that the night before the children and I prayed for Beloved, because he was out driving and I asked that he would see the temple and remember his covenants-- So, E said to him "Why do you have to go to the temple?" And he said, "yes, I do have to go to the temple." And she said, "What will you find there?" And he said "Well, we go to the temple to get married and we make covenants and we learn about God and... " I didn't hear the rest because Big Boy (10) asked a question. Then a few minutes later Beloved left the room. I went to ask him a question a few minutes later and he had been crying. Embarrassed, he shrugged me off and walked away. OK. So, I say embarrassed. Maybe he was angry at the thought that he had made a covenant with me. I don't know.
But he had a meeting to go to (he came home late, so I am pretty sure he called her before coming home, but I'd like to give him the benefit of the doubt...well, but I'm not stupid) and then came home. We all just relaxed until time to go to church.
It was testimony meeting and I got up to bear my testimony. I made sure he didn't have an excuse not to listen. I asked my friend (who conveniently sat in front of us) to hold Baby Boy while I did so....actually she made sure to ask for him as soon as people started getting up to bear testimony. Anyway, I got up and just felt like I needed to publicly thank Heavenly Father for His love and for Our Savior's atoning sacrifice. I testified that he paid the price for us, he suffered and he bled and he died for us so we don't have to go through that pain. All that fear we have is all in our heads. And that I know that He can change us and there isn't anything we can't change and be forgiven for. All we have to do is want to change and he can reach out and help us. Then I talked about John 14:18 "I will not leave thee comfortless; I will come to you" and told about how I was comforted that awful night and then I really felt that I needed to thank Heavenly Father for my children and husband and that they teach me so much every day and that Beloved has taught me so much especially when I am struggling to understand something or a principle and he guides me to find an answer. And I testified that Beloved is just the most honorable wonderful man I know and that he never believes me when I say it, but it is true. And I closed my testimony and sat down.
I had cried for a lot of it, so I sat down and then couldn't stay in the room. I had to get out and breathe or something. I came back in a few minutes later and continued as regularly scheduled. :)
I got a lot of people thanking me for my testimony and asking what was the matter and what they could do. To most people I just said, "oh, just pray for us, and especially for Beloved that he can feel the Spirit and know what is right and what to do." But I did tell 4 people.
Then as I was in the hallway the Bishop came down the hall and shook my hand and looked me in the eye (which I was trying to avoid) and asked if there was anything he could do. Well, I lost it all over again. I told him I wasn't ready to talk about it yet, but then said I'd follow him to his office becuase I couldn't stop crying.
Once in his office I just couldn't talk about it. I really felt a strong feeling like, "It's not time yet." So I told him I needed to carry this a little bit longer.
A big part of it is that Beloved needs to have access to the Spirit if he is going to be strong enough to change. And if the Bishop has to call him in after I confess our problems, then his punishment will be pretty severe. Definitely disfellowship for what he has done...or what he has told me he has done, at least. And I am just not ready to do that to him.
Well, I got a feeling between Sunday School and the third hour of church that he was out in the car. So I walked out there and caught him texting her. I told him that he needed to do what he promised and go to church. He told me he was just coming out to drop something off and then he was coming back in. I don't think so, but whatever. He followed me in and stopped me in the hall. We talked for a minute and I felt a little better.
I told him "I know you think the soul-crushing news is that you are in love with someone else, but I don't care about that"
"How can you not?!"
"Just, because I don't, ok? The soul-crushing thing is that you are willing to leave our children"
He was like, "What? I never said that. I know it may lead to that, but I couldn't leave the kids."
That gave me a sense of relief.
But what really made my day better, as perverse as this sounds, was that when I told 2 different people about what was happening in my life one told me that she had been through this herself, and another told me that there are so many people in our stake that have gone through this and gotten better.
I decided I didn't want to talk to him about it anymore for the day, so I didn't. We just had a peaceful afternoon. It was much better than Saturday...that was such a mess of a day. Both of us exhausted and walking on eggshells. Ugh.

Catching up

2009-06-10T14:44:00.000-07:00

So, Saturday night Beloved went out to get some air and think. This is what I wrote in my notebook (I didn't feel like sitting in front of a computer):
At some point, Gigi, you have to "let go and let God", as they say.
Will I always love him? Yes
Will I always forgive him? Yes
Will you take him back if he leaves? Oh. God help me, but yes...How could you turn away half of your soul?

The other day we were driving and listening to Matisyahu. The line in the song about his wife "Coming into this world our soul was torn in two. Searching for you, I've been searching for you..." I pointed it out because I always think of him. I know now that he had been thinking of her.
He is so deceived. Satan's so strong and has such a stranglehold on him. He cannot even see it. But I know what I feel and I find solace in the promise I have of peace and grace from Heavenly Father. Because I need it. Oh, but so does he.

I Should Have Known, and If You Don't Laugh You Cry II

2009-06-09T21:55:00.000-07:00

About 2 months ago Beloved was at the facebook (had just turned it on) and up popped a chat box from a certain Shannon Blah-Blah. (Last names are changed to protect the not-so-innocent) I was at his shoulder reading something he was posting and could have sworn it said "hey handsome...."and some other stuff I wasn't fast enough to read. He closed it down so fast and when I said, "Honey, your friend was trying to chat with you." He said, "Oh, Oh, I just, I've never chatted on Facebook before."

To which I replied, "Yeah you did. Remember you chatted with my sister and then me the other day?" To which he responded, "oh....yeah. Well, I don't want to start talking, we're headed to bed." (Which is what we WERE, in truth headed to...) Then I said, "Well, tell her that, so she doesn't think you're being rude" (I really wanted him to open up that dialog box again, since I know they save the messages even after being closed down. Hey, I can be stealthy, too.)

So, I pretended to watch TV and sat so I could see the both the tv and computer screens. Then I saw him open up the message, read it quickly and press 'clear chat history' Then he typed--no lie, true story--"My wife and I are looking at facebook together." followed by something mundane like, "how are you?" or some such nonsense.

As he typed he was telling me that he didn't feel comfortable chatting because he made a rule not to chat with any females on here, even old friends, only posting on 'walls'. I came over and pretended I was looking at a new quiz that one of his seminary students had just taken and posted about. Then I read his chat. Which, honestly wasn't as sneaky as it sounded, because we have always been open about emails and stuff like that. And I questioned him about his weird behavior and his even weirder post.

He got really defensive, which I thought was just him getting upset that I wouldn't trust him...I didn't think it was because he was truly guilty. Oh, stop! I'm kicking myself now for it.
ANYway...I told him to think how it looks from my perspective and then I believe I said, "And then you type my-wife-and-i-are-looking-at-facebook-together. As in: My-wife-and-I-are-looking-at-facebook-together-so-don't-mention-the-hot-sXX-we-had-today." He stopped and said, "yeah. I guess that does look really suspicious. I'm sorry I was defensive" Then he went on to say that she's just an old friend and that she is married and with kids. To which I responded, "So, people who are married with kids can still cheat"

OK, so who wants to reach through their screen and throttle me for not realizing it sooner?

Ach, no worries, I totally understand.

I just...trusted him so implicitly.

So, after that incident with the facebook chat I told my best friend and she and I laughed about it. I KNOW, ok?! Stop. I feel dumb enough as it is....
As I was saying, so she laughed about it and her husband knew about it and we all thought it was funny. Hardy har har.

So, yesterday I was on Facebook and I saw Amy's husband J (who has been supportive during my crisis) available for chat and it went a little something like this:

Gigi: Hey friend, thanks for being so supportive right now and for being a good husband to Amy. She's so wonderful. I am really grateful to have her here.
J: No problem. I'm really glad you have each other.
Gigi: me, too.
J: Hey, I read your blog (i have another blog...not anonymous...and much more uplifting!) a few days ago. Some of the posts were really funny. You're kind of funny.
Gigi: I know, right? I'm super funny. Why do you think Amy likes me so much? LOL.
J: That one about E and not being killed at the supermarket was hilarious.
Gigi: I know. That E just cracks me up sometimes. She's such a little freak.
J: Oh, and don't worry. I'll disclose this chat to Amy.
Too soon?

I KNOW, RIGHT?! I can't believe he would have joked about that! Actually, my first instinct was to gasp, and then I laughed. In fact, I laughed about it several times throughout the day. I tell you what, you have to have a sense of humor some days.

Thank goodness for Amy and her husband. ;)

If you don't laugh, you cry.

2009-06-08T06:14:00.001-07:00

A few months ago his ex-girlfriend (not the one he is now 'in love' with a different one--the one I knew about that he dated just before me) wanted to friend him on Facebook and I told him that I wasn't comfortable with that. He kind of cleared up how would I feel if he was contacting just old friends and I said that was fine, becuase that is what I thought he was doing and what facebook is about, you know?

Anyway, then he said "I mean, if you were talking to Terry it wouldn't bother me" Which I thought was odd, and I figured he said it would bother him and I misheard him. Because why would he be ok with me talking to someone I adored for 2 years and thought I was in love with at the time? Now it occurs to me that he had already been having his emotional affair with Shannon for 2-3 months at the time. And what makes it funny (instead of sad--because maybe I could have asked him to clarify and maybe we could have stopped this thing before he went out there to see her and felt he couldn't live without her) is that I said something like "oh, yeah, I'm sure his wife would like that" And he said "He's married now?" And he actually looked disappointed. And I took it for confusion...like he had forgotten and was confused that he didn't remember this bit of information.

You know what?

I think he was trying to pawn me off on T! I think he was hoping I would form an attachment like he was forming and so then he wouldn't have to feel guilty or worry about me!

Isn't that hilarious?

Isn't that just stab-you-in-the-back-spit-in-your-face-hilarious?

Ok, it sounds like I'm more bitter about that than I really am.

Because, although it is sad, I do think it is actually funny, too.

Maybe because I see the folly in his thought processes.

Maybe you can see the humor in it, too?

Just a reminder: I am your wife.

2009-06-07T09:40:00.001-07:00

I want him to know who I am and remember it. So I take every opportunity to sit by him, hold his hand, or give him a squeeze as I pass. Granted, we always did this anyway, but I feel like now, more than ever, I need to keep reminding him.
I feel like right now, what more can I do?

No, really. I'm asking. What more can I do?

24 hours can sure pack a wollop.

2009-06-06T19:26:00.000-07:00

I think I have cried more these last few hours than I have in an entire year.
I was so foolish last night. I thought that when he and I talked that he said something about trying to move on from this and me being OK knowing that I had him, but his heart was somewhere else. I thought he meant that he would continue 'loving' her even after he stopped contacting her. Yeah. Stupid me, I thought he was going to STOP contacting her. Today he explained that it wasn't going to happen. So I did something I never thought I would. I said, 'what if I'm not asking you to do that right now?'. I know, right? His face lit up. I could tell he was relieved aplenty. Why did I do that? I can't say, other than I felt like it was right not to pick that particular battle.
I did tell him, though, that if we are going to live like a family then we are going to act like a family. That means family prayer and scripture study like usual. I told him that he needs to feel close to Heavenly Father if he is going to make a decision and be assured it is the right one. Can you believe he is so confused...he actually thinks God might just want him to leave his family.
He told me this morning that he has never held back his love from me in 12 years of being together, but he can never love me the way he loves her. I told him I'm not asking him to. Because I know that what he feels for her isn't love. It truly is obsession. He cannot see anything else or care about anything else but being with her. He knows that if he leaves he'd be leaving behind his four children, and life and eternity with them (oh, and with me--whom he still loves the same as he always has--hello?!) for a few years with someone else. He doesn't even care that he knows that he'll be unhappy with the decision to leave...if he does...which I think he is leaning toward this evening after talking with her and finding out that she told her husband today.
He told me tonight that he went out there twice instead of just once. That really ticked me off. We are struggling financially but he sees fit to fly out there and get a hotel twice in a month? Really? Stinkin' facebook.
I felt really strongly (after I urged him to get onto facebook) that I needed to get him off. But I thought I was just being silly. Ladies, listen to your premonitions, or the Holy Spirit, or whatever you believe in. Just do it.
I left this morning to go to my best friend's house. I originally planned on going to Walmart with her, but couldn't leave once I got there. I collapsed. All that I had been feeling and scared of and angry about came out and it felt good. Because I can't kick him in the head or punch him in the temple like I want to. Somehow that just doesn't say "I'm willing to move on". Which I am. Because I know we can be stronger when we get on the other side of this blackness.
I haven't let him see me cry. I've been calm and the picture of beatific hope. Ok, maybe not so beatific and angelic...considering the puffy eyes from only 40 min. sleep last night and the crying jag I had at Amy's later.
Well, I didn't let him see me cry until I was just about to leave. I just was overwhelmed with the need to kiss him and hug him goodbye. So I did. And we held each other and cried like soldiers quaking from the carnage all around us. And that's what I feel like. So, I guess Pat Benatar was right. Love IS a battlefield. Or, maybe just this is...what is this? Infidelity. He's having an emotional affair that 'isn't going to stop', is what he told me today.
Honestly I feel like I'm in a dream. Because this can't be my life. If anyone could fail the other it would have been me. Never him. He is so good, and honorable...I just don't understand what has happened.
I know who he is. He just has forgotten and is in such a dark place. I pray that God sends him some LIGHT! I'm trying to reach out, but he needs so much more that only God can give!
I know he can let go of her. I told him so this morning. I said he gave her up when he didn't have anything to lose. (To this he argued that he had no choice and then I pointed out that he did make the choice and then he was like 'oh, yeah') So I know he is strong enough to give her up when he has EVERYTHING to lose.
Because I see how he looks at and talks about his Dad, who did something similar to his mom, though they stayed together throughout all of his many homosexual affairs. And he despises his father. It breaks my heart to think of our children looking at him that way. I think that hurts more than his betrayal of me.
Tonight we talked some more and it scared me. Because I think he is making up his mind to leave. Here's the thing. I can't let him do it. I know he loves me and our family. I know it. So what do I do? I can't give him a divorce. I really feel I cannot. Because he is going to wake up from his obsession and he needs to know that we are here for him.
Gosh, how did I become one of those women?! I told him always that he'd be so gone. But when it happened, I just felt so strongly that we are going to get through this one way or another. And no matter what...I know I have to do what I must for myself and my children. I must seek out our salvations and remain true to the covenants I made with or without him. And I know if I do those things we will be blessed for it.

"The Lord compensates the faithful for every loss. That which is taken away from those who love the Lord will be added unto them in His own way...the faithful will know that every tear today will eventually be returned a hundredfold with tears of rejoicing and gratitude." Joseph B. Wirthlin November, 2008 Ensign.

Ok, so not so smart

2009-06-06T05:16:00.000-07:00

I posted last night at around 1:30 or 2 am. Then climbed into bed and couldn't sleep. I fell asleep around 3:40 and woke up at 4:30. Couldn't sleep, but baby boy (1) needed comfort so I nursed him and then at around 5:30 got up to work out. What did I think would happen working out on only 40 or so minutes of sleep? Don't ask me. I guess I just felt like I had to be doing something.
Beloved reached out for me in his sleep. I know that he loves me. I know he is just really confused. And I know Satan is super happy, but I hope not for long.

I'm trying to keep the attitude that it is nothing I have done wrong. Because really, I don't know what I could have done differently, other than read the warning signs earlier. Or trusted in my instinct more than I trusted in Beloved's honor and integrity. . . which he always had so much of...
I am praying that he proves to be the man I know he is.

Oh gosh, I know I'm going to get hate mail...
Trust me, I would have sent myself hate mail, too. Well, before.

This is my beginning

2009-06-05T23:51:00.000-07:00

At first I found it amazing how I could keep myself together so completely when I should have felt like my life was crashing down around me. To be truthful, at first I put it on myself. I told myself I was being so strong. I patted my little back that I didn't cry or scream or beg or give in to any other emotion other than quiet interest and patient love.
But, see, I know better now. I have had time to think about what happened tonight. And I know why when my husband of nearly 12 years, the man I am head-over-heels in love with, confessed to me that he is in love with someone else tonight, I didn't do any of the things I would have thought I would do. And do you know why? Because I felt God's love for me as my husband was telling me what should have torn me apart. And all I felt, with each wave of awfulness that came to light, was a gentle squeeze and a quiet voice speaking to my heart saying 'it's alright. everything's going to be alright.' And I could be patient and ask all the things I needed to draw Beloved out and get the answers I felt I needed.
Then, thankfully, the Spirit whispered to me that I couldn't do any more now, and so I told Beloved so. And we will talk more soon, once we get some help from our Bishop and (most likely) counseling.
OK, So why didn't I just tell him it was over? Sheesh, there are so many reasons. Number one, is I feel that I had been prepared by the Spirit that this was what was bothering my husband for so long. Honestly, I didn't believe that it could actually be that. But, I did have several strong promptings about it. And as I had been praying this week about how to help him and how to know when to talk to him and what to say and when to STOP talking (always a problem!) I felt very strongly that it was a good thing that Beloved is going through this now. That he needs to decide right now who he is.
He told me that she was an ex-girlfriend from high school. His first love and 'the only one that could do this to him'. He never told me about her, which I think was his first mistake. He locked her up in his heart, then asked God to take her out of it. Do you see the problem? For 18 years (so he says) he has been praying for God to remove her from his heart, but never opened the dang door. I think he felt too guilty for not being pure when we married, though he told me he was.
Well, she found him on facebook in February. He knew then that he should not 'friend' her, but he did. They began talking daily and im'ing on his cell phone. Then, he planned a trip out to San Francisco for business and fenagled a trip to see her, a few hours away. His plan was to tell her goodbye and to hash things out and be done with her (I don't know if he actually believes it or if he just told me that), but they kissed while he was there and he decided that he couldn't let her go.
He said some really hurtful things tonight, but never in a hurtful way. He didn't want to hurt me, I could tell. But he confessed that he felt that she was his soulmate, and all the things he had longed for had been found with her. That hurt because I had felt that we truly understood eachother and were always of one mind and heart.
This is what I think is going on: I think this is something that Satan has placed in his path a long time ago. And I think that we made some bad choices (not being completely open and communicative) that kept that sin or problem 'in play' so to speak. Then she came along again and that wheedler, that liar Satan began to build a little fire. And I think now it is like an addiction. He honestly thinks he cannot live without her. But I feel really strongly that he is being decieved. And deceiving himself.
And that is why I am not giving up on him. I made a covenant with him and with God 11 years, and 10 months ago. I'm sticking by my word, because, truly, I believe in him, even though right now he doesn't believe in himself.